“Happy wife, happy life” totally panders to women. It doesn’t patronize them. It’s a total simp statement by weak men who don’t know how to respectfully assert themselves. I hate when men capitulate like that.
I think it’s great to prepare your daughters for adversity. However, you never address the possibility of your daughters being biased, the aggressors, or tyrants in a situation; as we all are to someone else at one time or another. It sounds they are always in the right from your view.
There are situations where your daughters will have unjustifiable power over men and/or other women - and THEY will be the obstacle - in someone else’s story. Or, obstacles your daughters create for themselves through bad decisions and selfishness - where life’s unfairness is not always to blame.
What do you tell your daughters about these issues?
Partially addressed, at least, here in this piece, actually:
"
But, let's flip the script for a moment. What if the scales of life tip in your favor, not by merit, but by sheer luck, or a twist of fate? Suddenly, you're on the winning end of unfairness. What then? Do you pocket your windfall, or do you step back, questioning the morality of your gain?
Here's the rub—I'm not the guy with a playbook for every turn you'll face on this winding road. My role isn't to spoon-feed you answers but to arm you with questions that challenge your perspective.
Understand this: life's fairness, or lack thereof, isn't just about how it makes you feel. It's recognizing its presence in our lives, acknowledging it dances on both sides of the coin. This realization won't solve the riddles, but it might just help you navigate them with a bit more grace and wisdom.
Yes, you did partially address that. However, I felt the lions share of your article positioned them in sort of an assumed “victim role” due their gender, which COULD cause them to a have entitled mindset. You never mentioned there’s a humility involved in accepting that “life is unfair”. Without that humility, a bitter victim grievance mindset could arise in them when they don’t get their way, even for a legitimate reason.
Truth is, most people’s bad or unfair actions that people commit towards others are more out of self-interest…than sexism or out of any particular ideological bias. Most people are too self involved to oppress others for ideological principles. Nor, do most of the 99% have such a platform to lord such power over others - even if they were so inclined.
Also, I think it’s presumptuous to assume that men are going to feel more of “intellectual sting” for being shown up by a woman in a hypothetical “battle of wits”. Many competitive men don’t want to lose debates, rewards, or social positioning to ANYONE; regardless of gender.
I can understand you feeling the lion's share being some victim role.
And they will be victimized if they give someone that chance. The world is cruel, even when it isn't being advertised, falsely, as some male versus female struggle.
Any battle of the sexes is likely overblown to advance some personal or political agenda. Hyperbole is strong. And, given this, I'd imagine you have been impacted by this in some way.
Additionally, one piece will not cover even a small fraction of the discussion needed for "Life is unfair, deal with it". Which is why my main message was "prepare for it, do what you must, even if it makes people uncomfortable, and recognize what is likely waiting for you".
Here's a portion that alludes to me not being able to cover everything right away. It also allows for the possibility I won't be able to do it ever:
"There are some things I cannot be concerned about. There isn't enough emotional bandwidth or time to be able to care about everything."
And right below is an admission it may not come across as fair, fairly depicted, or accurate:
"'m not concerned with whether you're OK with it, life's unfairness. I'm concerned with whether you're capable of dealing with it. I’m not even concerned with whether or not you believe this is accurate. I'm concerned with what you will do if, in fact, they are accurate."
Here's the portion about how the duality of man and the congruent nature of life requires integrity. Meaning, don't be a dick when things go your way.
"Keep your heart open, your conscience clear, and, above all, strive to tread this unpredictable path with integrity. That's the real challenge and, perhaps, the greatest lesson life's unfairness has to offer."
And again a point that tries to instill the value of not being the asshole when you have the opportunity to steamroll someone due to a sex-based advantage:
"Let’s be sure to elevate, not handicap."
And here's the part where I say that sexism does exist, though in lower quantities than you would expect or is advertised. The part that alludes to the fact that people have egos, first and foremost, and that's the likely cause of any disparity. Or, another way to put that, self-interest. I think we can agree that preserving ones ego is an act of self-interest.
"Some of it will have to do with sexism. But as far as this goes, it is my interpretation and understanding, given my own experience, that sexism itself plays a much smaller role than you would think."
As far as presumptuous to assume that men will feel more sting intellectually, I will accept that.
However, I will continue to make that presumption.
I'm okay with that. Once life shows me otherwise, I'll change my stance. Yet, for now, that's the presumption I'm going with.
So, apart from humility specifically, it seems much has been touched on.
And this isn't the only lesson I present to my kids. As I have presented this to them.
I have written about humility and I have spoken and do speak to the girls about that.
I do appreciate your stance, however.
There is a war on boys and men. Against boys and men, even. That would likely be a better way to present it.
I do not believe in some "patriarchy" or "the patriarchy" or some overarching, monolithic social structure where men see men and think "YEAH, LET'S MAKE SURE HE GETS STUFF AND THE WOMEN DON'T".
I'm sure there are a few that do, but given a cursory glance into history I can only surmise that it's a bogus claim that the driving motivation of society is to promote men and demote women. Like, what?
And of course empowerment, in any way and for any segment of the population HAS THE POTENTIAL to create oppressive and power-seeking advantage exploiting monsters. Yes.
But I won't omit a lesson or a chance to understand how the world can be unfair on the off chance one of my kids will be that way.
The point of this is to show life isn't fair and they have to know. That way they can start working towards accepting it as a possibility and preparing themselves for it. That way if they see it they can identify it, and if they took precautions and made themselves sufficiently capable they can deal with it and get over it.
Everything else I write about, speak about, teach about, try and act out, and try to drive home? That's the "How to live in a way that is good for you and won't turn you into some power seeking asshat". More or less.
So, character driven.
Take a look at some other things I've written. I try and keep the titles somewhat clear as to the content, though I fail a good amount with that.
P.S. If you have sons, nephews, or young men whom you mentor to, check out this article from a fellow Substacker on the unique challenges men are facing in today’s society. It might be eye opening…
Thank you for this article. I find more than unfairness between male & female is the unfairness of the youth vs. the adults, the world of wokism vs. traditionalism, gender rights vs. who we are born as, etc. I hope you see my point. Recently I was hung out to dry by a woke library director & a young girl(17) who identifies as a young man. I was interested in a book club that the young person was starting & attended the first meeting hoping to see if it was a good fit for my friends & family. I did not have any children with me and was told I could stay unless children showed up. That it was “creepy” of me to have interest in the group. This was repeated to me twice by the library director. I asked why and stated that it was a backward policy. I was told I might be a pedaphile. asked if I could be looking at books because there were some I wanted to check out and was told that was fine. I let her know that’s what I’d be doing if children came to the group. I sat down and proceeded to peruse the books gather for this group which was for children 8-12. All but one had something to do with race, gender, activism…that one was a good book but even so was about race. I went to the following monthly library meeting only to be taken by complete surprise as the last order of business was about this new book club and how inappropriate it was for me to be there looking at books & asking the young person how they chose these books. I felt our conversation was pleasant. I have 5 kids of my own the youngest will be 18 soon. I have 7 grandchildren. I’m a youthful looking 57 year old woman. Talk about unfair. The library director said I was asked to leave & didn’t which was a lie. She also said my actions constitutes harassment and I was to cease & desist. The young person was at that meeting as well. I coul not believe the disparaging words that came out of that person’s mouth. It was all allowed because I guess there’s a double standard when it comes to who can use derogatory terms toward who & who cannot. By the grace of God I was able to be calm & speak my peace & apologize to the young person if my actions were taken uncomfortably. I will be writing a letter to be read at the next open library meeting to expose these facts. I will also attend. Also there was a man in attendance at this book club who has no children.
Impressive missive. So true. I'm from a family that was run by my mother. I despised the way my father would cave in to her ever whim. She ran the roost. I swore to myself that I wouldn't marry a woman that would act like her. Marriage isn't a 50 50 proposal it's at the best a 51 49 proposal. SOMEONE has to be the leader. Both can't be. I took the lead. Out of my four sons, two are leaders in my mind. The other two aren't. One lets a cougar sex doll run his life to the point he has cancelled his mother and I because "Dad's a terrible person" which came about due to my stand on masks and the jab. He hasn't spoken to me in 27 months. I have no doubt that she poisend his mind towards me.
The other one was very shy and frankly found a woman who was the one that approached him. She's sweet but from my vantage point runs the roost. He goes along to get along.
My wife is a sweet heart. She realizes I'm not perfect and has been well treated for the 47 plus years she has been with me. She hasn't had to work except as a home maker. How many women can say that these day? How many WANT to be a mother instead of someone pursuing a career and at the age of 45 realize they missed motherhood. Having a family. All the things that make up who a woman REALLY is and should be.
I like your way of explaining things. Keep it up. I subscribed and will recommend you.
She made an exception for him because he was part of the young person’s Girl Scout board. I called her out on it. He may have had a background check for girl scouts but I’ve had one too for church. If his applies so does mine. Anyway. Just sharing my story.
Thank you again for addressing the fact that life is unfair. It is evident in so many ways. Good for you for arming your children with values & integrity.
Right. Life is not fair. Suck it up. Work within your sphere of influence only, and then try to expand your sphere of influence. That's it. And stop whining.
Very good.
I can’t resist adding that I find the idea of fairness to be absurd for most applications.
It can be somewhat useful if you’re trying to have your own children share evenly.
But beyond that it is one of the most absurd ideas for dealing with daily life.
Dealing with the idea of fairness, logically, is as unreasonable as trying to establish a level of “normal” for anything.
Agreed.
Getting an understanding of why fairness as a term and a concept is unrealistic, to me, is the first step to understanding the absurdity of it all.
We'll get to that, don't you doubt!
“Happy wife, happy life” totally panders to women. It doesn’t patronize them. It’s a total simp statement by weak men who don’t know how to respectfully assert themselves. I hate when men capitulate like that.
I think it’s great to prepare your daughters for adversity. However, you never address the possibility of your daughters being biased, the aggressors, or tyrants in a situation; as we all are to someone else at one time or another. It sounds they are always in the right from your view.
There are situations where your daughters will have unjustifiable power over men and/or other women - and THEY will be the obstacle - in someone else’s story. Or, obstacles your daughters create for themselves through bad decisions and selfishness - where life’s unfairness is not always to blame.
What do you tell your daughters about these issues?
Partially addressed, at least, here in this piece, actually:
"
But, let's flip the script for a moment. What if the scales of life tip in your favor, not by merit, but by sheer luck, or a twist of fate? Suddenly, you're on the winning end of unfairness. What then? Do you pocket your windfall, or do you step back, questioning the morality of your gain?
Here's the rub—I'm not the guy with a playbook for every turn you'll face on this winding road. My role isn't to spoon-feed you answers but to arm you with questions that challenge your perspective.
Understand this: life's fairness, or lack thereof, isn't just about how it makes you feel. It's recognizing its presence in our lives, acknowledging it dances on both sides of the coin. This realization won't solve the riddles, but it might just help you navigate them with a bit more grace and wisdom.
"
Yes, you did partially address that. However, I felt the lions share of your article positioned them in sort of an assumed “victim role” due their gender, which COULD cause them to a have entitled mindset. You never mentioned there’s a humility involved in accepting that “life is unfair”. Without that humility, a bitter victim grievance mindset could arise in them when they don’t get their way, even for a legitimate reason.
Truth is, most people’s bad or unfair actions that people commit towards others are more out of self-interest…than sexism or out of any particular ideological bias. Most people are too self involved to oppress others for ideological principles. Nor, do most of the 99% have such a platform to lord such power over others - even if they were so inclined.
Also, I think it’s presumptuous to assume that men are going to feel more of “intellectual sting” for being shown up by a woman in a hypothetical “battle of wits”. Many competitive men don’t want to lose debates, rewards, or social positioning to ANYONE; regardless of gender.
Well, let's go through it a bit.
I can understand you feeling the lion's share being some victim role.
And they will be victimized if they give someone that chance. The world is cruel, even when it isn't being advertised, falsely, as some male versus female struggle.
Any battle of the sexes is likely overblown to advance some personal or political agenda. Hyperbole is strong. And, given this, I'd imagine you have been impacted by this in some way.
Additionally, one piece will not cover even a small fraction of the discussion needed for "Life is unfair, deal with it". Which is why my main message was "prepare for it, do what you must, even if it makes people uncomfortable, and recognize what is likely waiting for you".
Here's a portion that alludes to me not being able to cover everything right away. It also allows for the possibility I won't be able to do it ever:
"There are some things I cannot be concerned about. There isn't enough emotional bandwidth or time to be able to care about everything."
And right below is an admission it may not come across as fair, fairly depicted, or accurate:
"'m not concerned with whether you're OK with it, life's unfairness. I'm concerned with whether you're capable of dealing with it. I’m not even concerned with whether or not you believe this is accurate. I'm concerned with what you will do if, in fact, they are accurate."
Here's the portion about how the duality of man and the congruent nature of life requires integrity. Meaning, don't be a dick when things go your way.
"Keep your heart open, your conscience clear, and, above all, strive to tread this unpredictable path with integrity. That's the real challenge and, perhaps, the greatest lesson life's unfairness has to offer."
And again a point that tries to instill the value of not being the asshole when you have the opportunity to steamroll someone due to a sex-based advantage:
"Let’s be sure to elevate, not handicap."
And here's the part where I say that sexism does exist, though in lower quantities than you would expect or is advertised. The part that alludes to the fact that people have egos, first and foremost, and that's the likely cause of any disparity. Or, another way to put that, self-interest. I think we can agree that preserving ones ego is an act of self-interest.
"Some of it will have to do with sexism. But as far as this goes, it is my interpretation and understanding, given my own experience, that sexism itself plays a much smaller role than you would think."
As far as presumptuous to assume that men will feel more sting intellectually, I will accept that.
However, I will continue to make that presumption.
I'm okay with that. Once life shows me otherwise, I'll change my stance. Yet, for now, that's the presumption I'm going with.
So, apart from humility specifically, it seems much has been touched on.
And this isn't the only lesson I present to my kids. As I have presented this to them.
I have written about humility and I have spoken and do speak to the girls about that.
I do appreciate your stance, however.
There is a war on boys and men. Against boys and men, even. That would likely be a better way to present it.
I do not believe in some "patriarchy" or "the patriarchy" or some overarching, monolithic social structure where men see men and think "YEAH, LET'S MAKE SURE HE GETS STUFF AND THE WOMEN DON'T".
I'm sure there are a few that do, but given a cursory glance into history I can only surmise that it's a bogus claim that the driving motivation of society is to promote men and demote women. Like, what?
And of course empowerment, in any way and for any segment of the population HAS THE POTENTIAL to create oppressive and power-seeking advantage exploiting monsters. Yes.
But I won't omit a lesson or a chance to understand how the world can be unfair on the off chance one of my kids will be that way.
The point of this is to show life isn't fair and they have to know. That way they can start working towards accepting it as a possibility and preparing themselves for it. That way if they see it they can identify it, and if they took precautions and made themselves sufficiently capable they can deal with it and get over it.
Everything else I write about, speak about, teach about, try and act out, and try to drive home? That's the "How to live in a way that is good for you and won't turn you into some power seeking asshat". More or less.
So, character driven.
Take a look at some other things I've written. I try and keep the titles somewhat clear as to the content, though I fail a good amount with that.
You may find we don't disagree very much.
Thank you for your comprehensive response.
What influenced your presumption that men feel a particular sting losing an intellectual disagreement to women?
Where do you think there are instances or social topics where women feel a similar sting of losing an intellectual debate to men arise?
P.S. If you have sons, nephews, or young men whom you mentor to, check out this article from a fellow Substacker on the unique challenges men are facing in today’s society. It might be eye opening…
https://www.robkhenderson.com/p/no-one-expects-young-men-to-do-anything
Thank you for this article. I find more than unfairness between male & female is the unfairness of the youth vs. the adults, the world of wokism vs. traditionalism, gender rights vs. who we are born as, etc. I hope you see my point. Recently I was hung out to dry by a woke library director & a young girl(17) who identifies as a young man. I was interested in a book club that the young person was starting & attended the first meeting hoping to see if it was a good fit for my friends & family. I did not have any children with me and was told I could stay unless children showed up. That it was “creepy” of me to have interest in the group. This was repeated to me twice by the library director. I asked why and stated that it was a backward policy. I was told I might be a pedaphile. asked if I could be looking at books because there were some I wanted to check out and was told that was fine. I let her know that’s what I’d be doing if children came to the group. I sat down and proceeded to peruse the books gather for this group which was for children 8-12. All but one had something to do with race, gender, activism…that one was a good book but even so was about race. I went to the following monthly library meeting only to be taken by complete surprise as the last order of business was about this new book club and how inappropriate it was for me to be there looking at books & asking the young person how they chose these books. I felt our conversation was pleasant. I have 5 kids of my own the youngest will be 18 soon. I have 7 grandchildren. I’m a youthful looking 57 year old woman. Talk about unfair. The library director said I was asked to leave & didn’t which was a lie. She also said my actions constitutes harassment and I was to cease & desist. The young person was at that meeting as well. I coul not believe the disparaging words that came out of that person’s mouth. It was all allowed because I guess there’s a double standard when it comes to who can use derogatory terms toward who & who cannot. By the grace of God I was able to be calm & speak my peace & apologize to the young person if my actions were taken uncomfortably. I will be writing a letter to be read at the next open library meeting to expose these facts. I will also attend. Also there was a man in attendance at this book club who has no children.
Run from this group - as fast as you can
WHY? I need a reason please.
Do you mean this Substack group or the library?
Fight the good fight, Suzanne!
The more regular people stand up to woke bullies, the tide will turn.
They are only strong in packs or when they use institutional bully pulpits.
If you try to debate them one-on-one, wokesters typically are not used to a logical debate, so they regress to ad hominem attacks.
Stand your ground and defend your reputation. I’m pulling for you…and know I am doing the same in my neck of the woods!
Impressive missive. So true. I'm from a family that was run by my mother. I despised the way my father would cave in to her ever whim. She ran the roost. I swore to myself that I wouldn't marry a woman that would act like her. Marriage isn't a 50 50 proposal it's at the best a 51 49 proposal. SOMEONE has to be the leader. Both can't be. I took the lead. Out of my four sons, two are leaders in my mind. The other two aren't. One lets a cougar sex doll run his life to the point he has cancelled his mother and I because "Dad's a terrible person" which came about due to my stand on masks and the jab. He hasn't spoken to me in 27 months. I have no doubt that she poisend his mind towards me.
The other one was very shy and frankly found a woman who was the one that approached him. She's sweet but from my vantage point runs the roost. He goes along to get along.
My wife is a sweet heart. She realizes I'm not perfect and has been well treated for the 47 plus years she has been with me. She hasn't had to work except as a home maker. How many women can say that these day? How many WANT to be a mother instead of someone pursuing a career and at the age of 45 realize they missed motherhood. Having a family. All the things that make up who a woman REALLY is and should be.
I like your way of explaining things. Keep it up. I subscribed and will recommend you.
She made an exception for him because he was part of the young person’s Girl Scout board. I called her out on it. He may have had a background check for girl scouts but I’ve had one too for church. If his applies so does mine. Anyway. Just sharing my story.
Thank you again for addressing the fact that life is unfair. It is evident in so many ways. Good for you for arming your children with values & integrity.
Right. Life is not fair. Suck it up. Work within your sphere of influence only, and then try to expand your sphere of influence. That's it. And stop whining.
Thank you!