Hey Dad! Navigating Modern Dating
Is there a good timeline for sex? Where's that blueprint hidden?
He that can have patience can have what he will.
Welcome to the inaugural publication of “Hey Dad”, a “Dear Abby” inspired column, with a twist. A twist isn’t all that special. If there wasn’t a twist, it would simply be “Dear Abby” and I imagine I’d have some legal bills at some point.
What’s the twist? I have a problem with “advice”.
Given the model is an “advice column”, that’s an issue. So, how does one navigate implementing an “advice column” without issuing advice?
I don’t have a damn clue!
But I do love making an attempt and would love a shot at making one here.
So I will. And I will attempt to do it while imagining these submissions as questions from my own children.
Though not them specifically. Sort of ethereal suggestions of progeny. You know what I mean. I will answer these assuming my children will see and use these answers someday.
I’m confident as we get into these in earnest I’ll end up blurring the lines between advice and insight, but I’ll do my best.
Ya’ll buckle up, the first one is a doozy!
And don’t forget to submit your inquiries at the end.
There should be a link unless I forgot.
Northwest Genesis
Prior to reading the message I received, let’s go over a few details that makes it special.
First, this is the OG, the original gangster of “Hey Dad!” (or “Hey Dad”) submissions. Yes, that spelling of the word gangster is intentional as it is how I say it.
Second, the subject matter within is so damn important it’s not even funny. Though I try and make everything funny, the importance portion isn’t funny. It’s super serious, like Al Gore and ManBearPig. Except seriouser.
And lastly we get to point “C”, how wonderfully presented the submission was. There was no real question or confusion on my end as to what was being asked, why, or what for. I have so many questions at all times. If you can present something to me that will leave me understanding the path forward, or THAT there is a path forward with only the information originally given to me, that means you’re a STELLAR communicator.
So, kudos, Northwest Genesis.
Given the properties of this question, the answer itself will be lengthy. Gratuitously so.
Now, without further ado, the submission (with some added “returns” for spacing):
My question is about dating, which I am not currently doing. First, some background information.
The last time I was dating, the only guys who didn't expect to jump into bed after one of the first three dates were from non-American cultures, typically black guys from Nigeria or other countries on the continent of Africa.
Most of my female friends tell me that they start having sex with a new guy at some point in the first two weeks.
I am not religious and would not expect (or want) to wait until marriage, but I think waiting awhile -- three or four months at the *very* least -- is really important.
Sexual activity complicates everything, of course.
But it also, in my case, makes me about a thousand times more vulnerable (emotionally and psychologically); more likely to "catch feelings" as the kids say.
The longer I delay sex, the more objective and rational my assessment of compatibility and non-hormone-based interest will be.
It's not about a lack of interest in sex. Quite the opposite; I have a high libido and expect any guy I end up with long-term will be happy with our shared sex life.
The easy, non-realistic answer is that a good guy will be willing to wait.
That's true, yes, but it puts me at a huge disadvantage since good guys are in short supply and he can be having sex much quicker if he chooses another woman.
What's a realistic time frame with regard to waiting?
What's a good way to handle this when I start dating again?
Hey Northwest Genesis!
It seems you have one doozy of a question. Congratulations. Good questions are difficult to ask, great questions like this one even more so.
Additionally, I appreciate you providing an easy, safe, not at all dangerous or controversial topic as sex and what women should do with their bodies as explained by a man.
Seriously though, what fun is living if you never get the chance to ruffle a few feathers along the way?
With that out of the way, the Dad hat is going on. Let’s get into it!
For the sake of presentation and white-space, I have bolded a few portions of your submission. Those bolded areas simply show what stood out to me as I read it. They came over with the copy-paste, but I find it useful to remember what first jumped out and what I should focus on. I don’t normally bold that high a percentage of a text, but here we are.
What’s a realistic time frame with regard to waiting?
My answer? Both until marriage and right away, with everything in between being realistic as well.
Northwest, we have ideals shown to us, read to us, explained to us, and given to us. One such ideal would be Jesus, even taking into account the non-religious aspect of how you live at present. From a religious or secular perspective, it seems proper to use Him as an example of an ideal, so bear with me.
One aspect of an ideal we should keep in mind, regardless of what or whom, is the unattainable nature of an ideal. We strive for it, we cannot reach it.
As we already know, there is no desire nor expectation of waiting until marriage. That’s perfectly fine, you’re an adult, your future partner will be an adult, ya’ll do your adult things.
All I want to point out here is you are allowed to have that timeframe remain on the table even when you feel it unlikely or undesirable. Removing the unlikely is a winning strategy when betting on horses or picking your team, but I find it ends up boxing you in when dealing with the uncertainties of life, relationships, and the future.
This applies to the inverse as well. If you ended up “hooking up” with someone PRIOR to starting a relationship (committed relationship, I should say) with them, that does not guarantee the relationship is doomed.
Is there a higher likelihood? That’s what I’m told. But does it guarantee anything? Not that I’m aware of, no.
The key, it seems, is to understand how likely each decision is to affect the relationship going forward. And in what way. Currently, I see you are in possession of that key, given the detailed and topical way you prefaced your questions.
You’re aware of all this.
Which is wonderful.
Before I can continue answering the original question, I need to hop over to the second question. They tie together so wonderfully we’ll revisit them together once they’ve been answered individually.
What's a good way to handle this when I start dating again?
Now that’s a million dollar question. There is a simple answer, but it may not be that easy.
The simple answer? Just handle it. There. Done. You’re welcome. Dad humor aside, that’s about it. But it certainly isn’t easy to do or implement. You’ll find it will get easier, however.
First, what is handling it? Apart from the pun potential of that question, it is critical to answer before moving on. We’ll keep it simple and say that in this case handling refers to the steps required to be taken in pursuit of a stated goal.
And the goal appears to be an attempt to position oneself in the best possible manner that will AT LEAST ALLOW a healthy, functional, and potentially long-term romantic relationship to happen. All this in preparation for the eventuality of re-entering the dating pool.
Hopefully that’s close to the intent of the question submitted, Northwest.
Now that we have those foundational elements defined, let’s work through it. If you were to enter into a relationship with someone, what would you want to know?
If you’re entering into it thinking this person could potentially be your long-term boo or mate or whatever the kids are saying these days, it’s a safe assumption you’d want to know their intentions and expectations as well.
It’s nice to know whether your intentions, expectations, and goals match. Watch out though, they may not need to at first. There are many reasons for this, but they all revolve around the “human” aspect we each possess.
We don’t always know what we want, expect, or need. Even when we are able to figure out what we want, it is likely to change.
What you WANT to do to set yourself up as best you can, IN THE OPINION OF THE AUTHOR, WHICH IS ME, is to SAY WHAT YOU EXPECT UP FRONT.
Ultimatums are kinda dumb. I don’t mean those. No, I mean be open about how you feel about sex, waiting, not waiting, and Portland being Weird.
That’s it. They aren’t demands, they are desires. Lay out your hopes and your concerns.
Yes, that will make you vulnerable… ish. You’ll feel vulnerable.
But if someone leaves after finding out you aren’t around solely for the purposes of the horizontal hula?
Well Northwest, you’ve just become Neo. The Chosen One.
Bullet? Dodged.
Inform them they shouldn’t allow the door to hit them on the way out and be on your merry way to “I’m Not Being Used”-ville.
It’s a great place. Which reminds me, this is a great place to combine the questions for your real answer.
The longer I delay sex, the more objective and rational my assessment of compatibility and non-hormone-based interest will be.
The easy, non-realistic answer is that a good guy will be willing to wait.
That's true, yes, but it puts me at a huge disadvantage since good guys are in short supply and he can be having sex much quicker if he chooses another woman.
What's a realistic time frame with regard to waiting?
What's a good way to handle this when I start dating again?
You’ll notice for this part I have chosen to include a few sections from your preface to the questions you asked.
These are the nuggets. The golden tickets. Golden, tickety nuggets.
First, you know who you are. You know how you are. You know what you are.
The significance and value of this knowledge surpasses all bounds, rendering any levity or jest utterly inconceivable. It’s The Princess Bride’s diabolical mastermind Vizzini proof. Luckily I have spent the past several years building up a tolerance.
Northwest, you’ve lived and you’ve learned. You know what you need, at least in part. You should try and obtain it. If it doesn’t work, then you can adjust. But you have a goal, you have that path forward. Let’s run with it!
But you will need that good guy. They do exist, and I believe in far greater numbers than we represent or believe. They do need to be given the chance, however.
I have a question of my own, come to think of it.
If a good guy is out there but is never provided the opportunity to be that good guy, however “good guy” is defined and interpreted, does he remain a good guy? Or has that been taken away from him?
And if a guy is scared off or chooses to walk away due to the terrifying prospect of having to patiently control himself or implement some willpower for the possibility of a healthy, long-term relationship with a wonderful, thoughtful woman, is he really a good guy?
I think he COULD BE. But such actions tell me he isn’t there yet.
Here’s the catch. I don’t think ya’ll have to AGREE on ANYTHING other than undue pressure, coercion, or force is UNACCEPTABLE. If you allow yourself to be vulnerable to someone by stating your fears and desires up-front and they don’t bolt, that’s already a good sign.
That doesn’t mean things will work out. Accidents happen on the way to paradise on occasion. But it remains a good idea to follow the signs that say “PARADISE”.
I do not agree with you that stating your need or desire to wait puts you at a disadvantage of finding a good guy. I think it puts you at a disadvantage of finding a multitude of “slam pieces”, but not “good guys”.
It is my belief that it raises your chances of finding that good guy. You have a goal and you have an INTENT CHECK BUILT IN with your self-awareness.
You get to avoid wasting time with “fuck boys” because they will dip the first time they hear “wait”. Now THAT feels like a perk to me.
Is it possible your search will take longer than it has in the past? For sure, absolutely, positively, yup. That is a possibility.
Though there is no guarantee it will take longer. Life is complicated.
So, let’s sum this up and cross our fingers I actually got to everything and answered your actual question.
Use what you know about yourself as a tool to separate the wheat from the chaff. I will not be able to tell you what a realistic time frame is as that is not up to me. I wouldn’t want to put you in a situation where you threw out a time frame I suggested, like “two months”, and two months into your next relationship you realize you aren’t ready.
Then, at that two month mark and despite you not feeling ready, you feel obligated to engage in intercourse. Now we’re in a real bind if it was a bad experience, because now we have in our heads that “not even two months” was enough time, there must be something wrong.
All that when it was likely just not the right person. So time frames are risky. Set them WITH your partner instead, allow wiggle room to an extent, and do your best to get those barriers out of your head while you’re with them.
You’ll want to be present so you can see if you even like them!
You know what you want. Let it be known, as this will act as a natural filter. Be careful with time frames, but know that whole marriage idea isn’t bad either. Opening yourself up by stating your intentions at the beginning of a potential relationship WILL result in you getting a few scrapes and bruises.
But you’re strong enough to deal with those, I promise. And those scrapes and bruises will likely be mostly contained to the ego. Though I may be speaking to the males with that one.
Okay, enough repeating myself.
Wonderful question, Northwest Genesis.
If you have any follow-up questions or I didn’t actually answer anything, let me know!
You know how to get ahold of me.
And for everyone else, if you have a submission for “Hey Dad!”, there will be a link below.
Love,
Dad
Want to make a submission to “Hey Dad”? Click here!
It will take you to a rough Google form that will allow you to remain anonymous.
Don’t forget to include your desired pseudonym!
If you forget or don’t want to, I’ll make one up.
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Dating is like playing a game of Jenga. You start with a solid foundation, then someone makes a move, and suddenly the whole thing comes crashing down. But hey, at least it’s a fun way to learn about human psychology and the importance of communication. And, with a bit of luck, you can get laid!
Although I have no prospects, I do believe, like you, that good men exist in reality in larger quantities than we feel they do.