Giving Up Is Dumb

So don't be dumb.

We have proclaimed to the world our determination 'to die freemen, rather than to live slaves.' We have appealed to Heaven for the justice of our cause, and in Heaven we have placed our trust.

Samuel Adams

I’m Just Saying

If you set goals and go after them with all the determination you can muster, your gifts will take you places that will amaze you.

Les Brown

I feel compelled to say something. There's a lot I've kept to myself, not exactly secrets – I don't like secrets.

Maybe I'm just not strong enough to keep them. And so, I don't. I try to avoid going back on my word. If I make a promise, I try to keep it. If I say I won't do something, I don't do it.

For example, if I find your diary, I'm not going to peek, not even at a single page. It's not solely for you, though. It would be difficult for me to live with myself knowing that I betrayed your trust, saw something I shouldn't have. So, I don't do that. It's too much.

These aren't exactly secrets, but they're not necessarily things I talk about. So here goes.

I don't always have a cheery disposition, but that's when I'm actually most grounded and centered. That's when I'm least likely to think about the cessation of life or whether people would be fine without me.

When I'm overly cheery, that's a compensation. It's an attempt to fix what's going on in my head, and it works. So, being cheery doesn't mean I'm one step from 'gone'; it means I've taken a step to ensure I won't leave anytime soon.

Cheery means that, at some point recently, I was closer to giving in to demons than I wanted to be. But that doesn't mean I was on death's door. I have so many reminders in life now of what's important. Living is worth it. I don't say these things to freak you out or to suggest that I battle every day. I don’t, not really.

I do struggle, and often. But I don't think that's uncommon. There's a lot going on in life right now. I don't think there's anything wrong with me, not chemically or anything that requires medication beyond what I already take.

And I don't believe stopping these medications would make me suicidal, though days would be more difficult until I adjusted. I've got so many reminders of the blessings of life around me.

It's easy to cope when you don't really have to cope, when you've got people who jump in your arms just because you came home. Coping is not required anymore. Just opening my eyes and seeing the blessings around me is all that's required.

It's pretty wonderful.

And it's something I never thought I'd have, even though it was something I always wanted. And I intend to keep it. Sure, it's still hard sometimes. Maybe that's just the way it has to be. If it has to be like this for me to keep what I have, well, I'm good with it.

If I stay like this forever, I'll be a happy guy. I'll be able to look back on a life well-lived and worth living. But I also know the only way to do that is if I stay and keep trying. Because if I do something cowardly, like quit, then I won't be able to look back with pride. I won't have the smiles, the hugs, and the happiness.

No matter what happens, there's nothing worth giving that up. I may not be rich and may be struggling, but I have everything I've ever wanted. And that has to be madly appreciated and preserved, no matter what.

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