Dad's Learning Part 16: Vicious And Coercive

Cyclical patterns of behavior and money. What a combination.

Each year one vicious habit discarded, in time might make the worst of us good.

Benjamin Franklin

Think Something, Say Something

This may be the week of clever headers. I like to think I’m clever with these things, anyway. So for part 15 of Dad’s Learning I broke it up into two parts.

(Here and Here)

There was still material I needed to look into, dive into, think through, and write down that I hadn’t gotten to. But time goes on even when we aren’t finished, so I had to get to part 16.

Tonight is going to be session 17, and 16 must be written prior so I can be sure I am staying consistent in my journey to learn, understand, and grow.

One of those topics was HOW I process things. How I process questions and ideas.

I process out loud. I process by talking. I need to say things to make them real. I need to speak it into existence so I can make sense of it. Once I do, I can put pen to paper and crank out way too many thoughts on something simple. Until then, however, I am stuck. And I conveniently overlooked that while write BOTH portions of part 15.

And just now found it working on part 16.

And man, was part 16 far easier to get down in my journals.

Behavior Cyclist

What does this clever header mean? What am I talking about here?

I have an idea of what it is, but I’m not entirely sure myself. Follow along as I try not to get lost in the threads here.

So there are cycles of behavior that feed on themselves. That’s the basic idea of a positive feedback loop and coercive and recursive behaviors.

So if there’s a behavior that gets someone what they most desire, they will try to keep it going. They will do it again. They will behave in the same manner that got them what they needed. They will continue while they get what they want in the end.

That seems reasonable. Why would you stop doing something that gives you what it is you need?

That’s a coercive cycle of behavior. And it’s generally aimed towards someone else, hence coercive. And the cycle part points less towards some bicycle metaphor and more towards a repetition of actions.

Unfortunately, that came become detrimental if it happens to be a damaging behavior. We identify “wrong” behaviors by their outcome. If they’re damaging, they’re wrong. So keep that in mind, I’ll be using “wrong” at times.

Toddlers are masters at establishing coercive cycles of behavior. They do not possess a robust library of behaviors they can reference to see which will provide their desired outcome or which will provide the best future for them. In fact, the future portion won’t be thought about for another fifteen years or so. Not without external motivators like parents asking them to.

For toddlers, they have to TRY something and see how it does. Ever seen one throw a tantrum? True masters of their art. Toddlers. So fun, yet so frustrating.

Watch how you react. Take a moment to assess the situation. Avoid SIMPLY REACTING. I am saying this as someone who struggles to do ANY of that. I have become more capable as time has gone on, but I’m on my fourth, so I must be a slow learner.

Now, let’s continue down this path. You have a toddler and they act up. There could be many reasons for this, of course. But let’s say you just keep doing whatever you were doing, carrying on as if nothing was happening. So then the next time they act up they add more theatrics. Much wailing and gnashing of teeth. Woe is me and classic theater overacting and gesturing. Loud noises, broken toys.

And now you react.

Remember, the first time there wasn’t a reaction. The second time, the more intense one, there was a reaction.

Step lightly.

This is a test. Well, it is VERY likely a test. Toddlers are masters of this, after all. God help you if you don’t pass. God help them, too. We serve as a major determining factor for how they will turn out later.

If you SIMPLY REACT and yell and fuss and throw your own tantrum, it may work. Who knows? Time will tell. Probably not though. But let’s assume it worked to abate the behavior adequately in the moment.

Then they do it again, and you react again.

That’s coercive behavior from you both. Also, that’s the makings of a potentially successful and destructive feedback loop.

They gain your attention. That was their goal if this plays out.

Break that cycle. Have them throw their tantrum and ignore it if you can (circumstances differ, of course). If they can self sooth. If they can bring themselves out, NOW give them attention.

But I’d avoid making it negative.

If they’re looking for attention and getting negative attention, they’re SETTLING for that. Do some introspection. Hell, some circumspection. Any “‘spection” you need to do so you figure out why in the hell they are starving for attention. It MAY NOT BE YOU. This is NOT an indictment.

It WAS ME. But there are VANISHINGLY FEW certainties in this world and this is NOT one of them.

Give them the attention they were attempting to coerce during times you see them doing GOOD things. Doing HELPFUL and BENEFICIAL things.

Give it to them when they’re DOING NOTHING.

But don’t “reward” the bad behavior with reactionary attention.

Or you’re riding that coercive behavior cycle straight into your own little hell.

I do love ending on a hopeful note.

Love,

Dad