Son, Can't You See?

I can't sleep and this won't stop going through my head.

Smile

Son, can’t you see

Your Dad is busy

You’re smiling but I am not

You should know that means to stop

Not smiling means you know

Smiling means you don’t care



Right?



Hey Daddy I love you

I am small and you are big

You are my world

I see something cool

And I want to show you

You aren’t smiling but I am

I will still smile

To make you smile

Smiling means you care



Right?



Son, I am sorry

I do not know why

Why I do what I do

I will find out

And fix it

I will see next time

And I will listen

Your smile will be matched

Smiling means I love you



Right.



Daddy I love you

You didn’t smile yesterday

But you are smiling today

That means I made you smile

With mine from before

Because I am a big boy

Why do you have tears

When you are smiling

Smiling means you are happy



Right, son.



Smiling means I am happy.

I am happy you are my boy.

I am happy you can teach me how to live.

You are only four but you are so smart.

Smiling does mean you are happy.

Smiling does not mean you don’t care.

What a silly grown-up thing to think.

I will not tell you to stop smiling.

I will not take that as pushback anymore.

Sometimes, son, Mommies and Daddies can be not very smart.

Sometimes we do things that don’t make sense, even to us.

But we will fix them and you did good, buddy.


I am sorry.


I will smile.


I love you.

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I had trouble starting this one. I had trouble writing it. I didn’t have trouble finding the words, I had trouble allowing them out. I had trouble allowing them to be seen for fear I am a bad father. I am ashamed of how I am sometimes but holding onto this is worse. Not admitting something is wrong doesn’t allow me to change or to apologize.

My boy will not grow up thinking men do not apologize. My boy will not grow up thinking men do not change. My boy will not grow up thinking words, thoughts, regrets, sadness, shame, guilt, anything at all should not come out for fear of judgement or making it real. My boy will not grow up a coward because I will not be that coward he would have emulated.

So I wrote this anyway. I wrote this and I cried because I feel like an idiot, a monster, a coward. I was in a bad mood and I didn’t want him to smile when I told him I was busy. Luckily I did not say he shouldn’t be smiling. That would have been worse. But I was mad at his smile.

Because I am flawed. I am dumb.

Because I am human and I do dumb things. It is the human way.

But now it is time to take the next step. It is time to strive for the divine knowing I will never reach that level. It is time to admit. It is time to apologize. It is time to reflect. It is time to learn. And it is time to grow.

I do not know what this is. Is it a poem? A thought? A dream? A confession?

Perhaps it’s a story about growth. Perhaps it is a story about a father’s regret.

Perhaps it is nothing like that.

For me it is a promise.

A promise to my boy.

A promise to my children.

That I will make mistakes.

But I am sorry.

And I will learn.

I will grow.

I will be better.

Because I love them.

Because I love you.

And because I must.

Because you are my world.

And my world should smile.

Love,

Dad

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