Socrates and Dad
Maybe some Marcus Aurelius. A sprinkle of Socrates. Perhaps a little Martin Luther?
This one was difficult to write, so I apologize in advance for some ambiguity in the verbiage. It wasn’t emotionally intense or distressing, luckily. I just find my father impossible to figure out. To me, that’s intentional on his part. A mystery wrapped in an enigma, as they say. But it certainly lends to his appeal as a person and as a subject to write on. I have my doubts those qualities are his intent, but hell I could be wrong there too. As I said, I just can’t wrap my head around the dude.
He’s pretty cool though.
My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.
This, yet again, is a repost.
But it fits the theme.
Dads
When I was 18, I thought my father was pretty dumb. After a while when I got to be 21, I was amazed to find out how much he'd learned in three years.
So, how does The Dad talk about his own Dad? Particularly about some recent revelations regarding his own Dad and how he got me prepared, without me knowing that's what he was doing, to deal with life. Particularly to deal with life without him.
He's still around, my Dad. So I've got that going for me. But we don't talk every day. We don't even talk often, which is a mistake. It is. Full stop.
But I can operate and make the best decision available with a reasonable expectation of success. Or, at least, I can rest assured the decision won't be destructive and detrimental in most cases. So I've got that going for me.
I can also make decisions that deal with what I haven't done or seen before. I can make decisions relative to what I am unfamiliar with and engage in unfamiliarity with confidence I'll be able to work my way through successfully. In short, I can go in blind and have a reasonable expectation of coming back out the other side unscathed or better than I was before.
Socratic Methods
My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.
But how? How did he do that?
Did he know he was giving me this gift?
Was there a plan?
I have trouble planning, but I don't believe he has my issues there. He was able to take us on vacations, juggling everything, bringing along the rest of the family too. That must have taken some planning skills to accomplish. I have taken my family on vacations and BOY AM I BAD AT THAT. Luckily my wife is pretty cool and she's GREAT at it. But he did it himself. That was my understanding anyways. I've never asked.
I have a hint of understanding regarding some of my questions though. Particularly "how?". And with it comes a compulsion to explore it and write about it.
The Father Of Inquiry In The Modern Era
The way to gain a good reputation is to endeavor to be what you desire to appear.
To me, my Dad is Socrates. Or Marcus Aurelius mixed with Socrates, perhaps.
I see him as a classic Stoic that defaults to inquiry for instruction. I know he wasn't big on the affection front before I came along. Or at least before his kids, I have older siblings so it may have changed before I got here. But I have never been denied affection when I needed it.
Except if he just came in from working in the sun. That's understandable.
But I am abnormally affectionate for a dude. At least that's how I feel about it. And I still hug his neck with great affection when I see him and I may even kiss his cheek. Because that's my Daddy and he will always be that to me. No matter how old I get. Even though I am bigger than him, he will always tower over me. That's MY DAD. MINE. And I love him. So affection will always be there too.
I don't care WHERE or WHAT SITUATION I show it either. If I love you, I'm going to show it even if the world is watching. My love is between ME AND YOU. If they don't like it, they can ignore it. If they can't, they can get over it. If they can't do THAT, they can come deal with me. That's my line in the sand. I will not deny how I feel to make others slightly less uncomfortable. It doesn't make sense to me.
Stoic Leadership
One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
But I get that from my Dad too. Growing up he was one of those Dads that didn't care that everyone else was decorating for Halloween or Easter in some grandiose fashion. I'm sure we had some things up, but it was never over the top despite my protest.
Fashionable or not, if it was a part of who you were or what you thought was necessary, it should be done. Fashionable or not, if it wasn't a part of who you were or part of a set of beliefs we held, even if we were at the time swept up in a trend, it shouldn't be given much importance.
It was as if he could SEE a line in the middle of everything and stayed exactly there. Caring enough about societal norms, but caring little for trends and fashions. That all seems perfectly reasonable now.
But back to the point of this. I want to know what he DID.
I mean, I could ask him. But where's the fun in that? I'll write this, give my hypothesis, publish it for all to see, achieve some accountability, then ask him.
That way it's scientific, you see?
I think he did what I try and do myself.
My guess is he asked questions. He asked questions while maintaining stubborn optimism about my ability to answer them myself. And he guided me through the steps needed to answer the question, if necessary.
And, when I figured it out, despite my many objections about being forced to do it myself, I was always so excited. I was annoyed too. I was bothered about the fact he was right. Imagine that. Imagine being bothered by someone accurately measuring your potential in that scenario. But how often was he wrong? And why did I want to be right and at the same time him be wrong?
Such an odd thing to want. That may have been my desire for independence. I love my Dad. I just can't see how it would have been a desire born of malice.
But that's about it.
I am this way because my Dad believed in me with stubborn consistency.
And gave me the tools I needed to reach the potential he saw.
Sounds simple. I think it is.
It wasn't easy. I was not an easy kid to raise.
It isn't easy with my kids and they have been absolute blessings for me.
But it's simple.
And worth it.
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Wonderful essay. Thank you for sharing it. My own dad was very easy to understand I think because he was much older, siring me when he was 50 and my youngest brother when he was 57. By that time, he was more like a grandfather and we were all very close to him. On the other hand many of my other friends fathers were mysteries and mostly aloof. I remember when Randy came to my house for my first date when I was 15 and my father invited him in and they played music together. Beautiful piece and again thank you for sharing it with us! 🥰