Let Me In Chapter 5: The Perks and Pains of Twelve
Let Me In Chapter 5: The Perks and Pains of Twelve
How much do the choices made during our formative years shape the rest of our lives?
Let Me In
Chapter 4: Confronting The Dragon
Chapter 5: The Perks and Pains of Twelve
Editor’s Note: Be sure to inform your sojourner of their age, maturity level, orientation and state of mind when passing over included life events to new ones. Peter is exempt from this provision though anyone else must submit for a waiver if they believe a situation warrants omitting these details. Reference the appendix for this and other information you may find useful.
It is here we join John in the middle of the day. It was generic and exceptionally bland, even for a day at school. Those are always the easiest to stroll through and never recall, of course. This is the unfortunate state of contemporary schooling. Imminently forgettable and antithetical to the essence and the joy of learning as He intended.
Naturally, dear reader, you know this already. I do try to avoid repeating myself while narrating these many books and many lives. It is possible, to an extent, to deviate enough and avoid the dry and the prosaic. But only to an extent.
Having recently celebrated his twelfth birthday John was in high spirits despite the bland nature of routine he found himself in. Having a late birthday had its perks. Most important of those perks was having a birthday close to Christmas.
While it felt more akin to a curse than a blessing the other ten months of the year, February carrying the strongest version of this, all was forgotten once November rolled around. Another perk, one he could enjoy year round, was that he often was one of the oldest and therefore largest kids in his classes and friend groups.
This had become steadily less pronounced as the years went by, however, with this year presenting the least age and size benefit of any other time. Ignoring the inevitable closing of the size gap in his future he kept his head held high and was determined to make the best of still being large in comparison to his classmates as long as that was a reality.
The schoolyard was a microcosm of society, a place where hierarchies were established, alliances formed, and battles fought. But for John, it was also a place of introspection. The weight of being the "big kid" was both a blessing and a curse. With size came expectations, and with expectations came responsibilities.
As John navigated the school corridors, he could feel the eyes on him. Whispers of the new kid, Mark, reached his ears. "He's even taller than John," one kid remarked. "Looks stronger too," another added. John's heart raced. He had always been at the top, but now there was a challenger.
Lunchtime was a ritual. John and Danny would sit under their favorite tree, sharing sandwiches and stories. But today, Danny seemed distant. "Mark called me your 'little shadow'," he mumbled, looking down. John clenched his fists, anger bubbling up. But he remembered his mother's words, "Strength isn't just physical, John. It's in the choices you make."
Taking a deep breath, John approached Mark the next day. Not with aggression, but with a proposition. "Let's settle this," he said, "A race. Winner takes the title of the 'big kid'." Mark smirked, "You're on."
The schoolyard was abuzz with anticipation. Everyone gathered around the makeshift track, eager to witness the showdown. As the two stood at the starting line, John felt a pang of insecurity. He glanced at Danny, who gave him an encouraging nod. But instead of feeling reassured, a reckless idea formed in John's mind.
As the countdown began, the idea became clearer. It seemed more dire, more necessary with every passing number. What felt like centuries of thought and eons worth of scenarios ran through his head. He was certain he was going to lose, and for what? Why did he choose to race him?
“Go!” John started and came to. Mark had already started running, John still standing at the start. Realizing he was already losing John took off like a shot. He was naturally athletic, to his benefit, and starting gaining on Mark right away.
As they neared the finish line the two boys were neck and neck. John absolutely could not lose. It was, in his mind, life or death at this moment. He found himself compelled to ensure victory given the circumstances. As the end came closer and closer he made the decision to kick out a little. After all, he wasn’t aiming for Mark’s legs, he was only widening his stride.
Mark stumbled then fell, his pace causing his long, lanky body to tumble over itself before he slid to a stop, dumbfounded. John had won the race but everyone saw what happened.
The victory was hollow and he felt it. Whispers spread about John's underhanded tactic. Danny approached him, disappointment evident in his eyes. “What the hell, John?” he asked, “You were winning, why did you trip him?”
John looked at Mark, who was being helped up by a teacher, blood trickling down his leg. Guilt gnawed at him. "I... I just wanted to win," John admitted, his voice barely above a whisper.
Danny shook his head. "At what cost?"
That evening, as John lay in bed, the weight of his decision pressed down on him. He had won the race, but at the expense of his integrity and the respect of his peers.
He was angry at them. Who were they to judge? They weren’t in the race. He’d seen them cheat before at other things. Why should he care what they thought?
His anger struck him, it scared him. Maybe the race wasn’t the issue, maybe the cheating wasn’t the issue. Maybe there were other forces at play here. The idea wasn’t clear nor were his thoughts.
At long last he started drifting to sleep. As he did, one refrain kept playing over and over in his head: “Sometimes the hardest battles aren't against others, but against one's own inner demons.”
That day, he had let his demons win. He won the race, but lost a part of himself.
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