It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust.
“I don’t understand. Don’t you trust me?”
My child, that’s a tough one. I certainly do and I absolutely do not. It’s so very situational, you have no idea.
Therefore I will attempt to help you understand. Additionally, it’s a good idea to remember that it isn’t always you who I do not trust. We’ll get there.
In The Beginning…
Back in the day when the journey to and from school resembled an M.C. Escher painting, I knew everything and my parents knew nothing. I knew they were being absurd when restricting me, warning me about trouble, and disliking my friends.
It seemed like they didn’t trust me to make the right decisions. As it turns out, and I’ve asked, that is the case for at least a few of them.
It also turns out they were right not to. I won’t get into every mistake or bad decision I made but suffice it to say if we were to measure (in time) the highlight reel of my life against the blooper reel we’d see how laughably small the highlight reel is.
I don’t believe that’s altogether uncommon. I’m sure there are many people like me out there. Hell, it’s likely most people.
However, it’s a mistake to measure those two reels. Instead we should go through them both and see how those bloopers led to those highlights. That’s how life works.
So yes, my parents were right not to trust I would make the correct decisions. I didn’t have the experience yet to make them. Life is complex.
Right, So Where Does That Leave Us?
That is all to say “trust” isn’t exactly the concept we’re working with here.
Believe me, I trust you. You’re a good kid. You’re all good kids. I got absurdly lucky.
I trust you’ll make the right decision when the time comes. I also trust you’ll make the decision you think is right but get it wrong. I trust you’ll make a decision you know isn’t what I would consider right but you want to do it anyway.
I trust that you’ll come to a decision point and not realize it’s a decision. It’ll appear to be one path and you won’t see that those don’t really exist. I trust that you’ll make a mistake and choose something wholly incompatible with how I’m attempting to raise you and not even realize you’re doing it.
I trust you’ll make another decision on that level of incompatibility and do it with complete understanding of what it is, what it means, and why I wouldn’t have chosen it for you just to go against me.
I also trust that you’ll see why I tend to advise against those things in time. I trust you’ll end up alright even with all the missteps, intentional self-destruction, naive wrong-choice making (putting trust in the malevolent), and everything else that comes with the choices I trust you to make.
Trust is complex.
What I wouldn’t trust is the idea that trust is cut and dry.
I do my best to assume the people who present me with black and white situations or accusations of trust are simply not thinking about it enough or are hyper focused on a single situation and not thinking clearly.
Unfortunately for you, my dear children, I only have enough grace to try and be judicious when others wrong me.
So when I see the rigid “Don’t you trust me” scenarios you all are given I see nothing but duplicity and malevolence.
And I rage. Though I don’t always show it, that shit drives me nuts.
Don’t even get me STARTED on Aladdin.
“Do yOu TrUSt mE?”
NO JASMINE! Don’t trust the random, just met street teen on a flimsy flying device with ZERO safety features. That’s like a motorcycle but more deadly. Just, no. I bet he’s going to offer you drugs or something. Heathen.
Segue
On that, the drugs…
Let’s say you’re a person, just as a mental exercise. And let’s say we know that people can become addicted to things. You know, like drugs. And let’s say, just for fun, drugs are bad, m’kay?
Now, let’s say you’re the child of another person. And let’s say that other person is me. You’re my child in this scenario, child. In this hypothetical, would it be responsible of me to allow you to go to a place I know has these mythical addictive drugs and there’s a chance you may have access to them, restricted or not?
Even if I say I trust you?
Before you answer, let’s go to the consequences of that foray into drug access.
Alright, so you, the person, who is a child of another person, me, were allowed to go. We’ve officially established the basis of the exercise.
We have:
Person 1 (child of another person) - You.
Person 2 (parent of the other person) - Me.
Event/Location (has drugs, may be accessible, legal or not)
Decision (Person 1 was allowed to go)
Scenario 1: You come home, nothing happened, no drugs touched or sampled. Good times had by all.
In this scenario I was totally right to use the trust argument. I’m such a great parent in trusting you would make the right decision. I am the greatest parent of all because I trusted you could resist the temptation of the drugs and the peers that may or may not have attempted peer to peer (p2p) pressuring that would push you to sample said drugs.
In this scenario I am presented with a “#1 Ambiguous Parental Designation” mug and/or tumbler for my distinguished parental/child trust application.
Scenario 2: You come home, drugs were tried and enjoyed, good times had by all.
I’m the shittiest parent in history. I have started my child’s descent into drug madness. I shouldn’t have trusted you. You weren’t ready for this. You made the wrong decision. Your life is ruined!
I get no prize.
So which scenario was I right to trust you to go and not do the drugs?
Or, say, have a sleepover at a friend’s house with the opposite sex in attendance?
Or take a road trip with friends your age? Or really anyone besides myself?
Trust Me
Trust, my dear, is certainly a cornerstone of decision-making. Yet, it is not the entire foundation. It is a meaningful ingredient, like flour in a cake, but you’d be mistaken to think it is the whole recipe.
Yes, I trust you, but I also know that trust cannot substitute for experience, wisdom, or foresight. Life is far too complex to be navigated on trust alone, especially when the stakes are high and the terrain is unfamiliar.
Trust doesn’t absolve me of my responsibility to protect, to guide, or to weigh the context (which go beyond your intentions). I must take into consideration the environment, the temptations, the unknowns, the everything that life, even mine, has shown me may present itself.
I do not doubt your heart, but I am acutely aware of the world and its capacity to ensnare even the best among us.
This is why we don’t send the uninitiated or the addict into the drug den and shrug whatever follows off as “Well, I trusted them.”
That’s not trust but gross negligence disguised as virtue. The real measure of trust is not in blind permission but in discerning when, where, and how it can be applied safely and meaningfully.
Sometimes the most loving form of trust is the kind that says, “Not yet.” Because trust without context is abandonment and shirking of responsibility. And you, my child, are not being abandoned. You are being held, watched over, and frustrated by a parent who trusts you to the extent I believe you should be trusted with your experiences and level of understanding.
Trust that I will make mistakes in this.
Trust that I love you enough to understand that as well.
And trust that I wrestle with these questions daily and it tears me up inside knowing what it does to you to feel as though you aren’t trusted.
Saying no to you is not a joy. It is not fun and it does not feel good.
But I trust that you will, in the end, be better for it.
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