Dad's Three Global Rules
Though, let's be honest, I have so many more than this.
It is far better to render Beings in your care competent than to protect them.
- Jordan B. Peterson
This is a message to my children I am hoping may be a helpful guide to anyone else who may need it. I am not overestimating the reach of this Substack but I do believe anything put out in a way anyone can access it has the chance to make some impact, whether it becomes realized or remains as potential in perpetuity.
In any event, writing this down with the knowledge it CAN be seen by others helps me get my thoughts in order and values aligned, so thank you for being the potential that helps me be better for my children.
And, yet again, this is a repost. This one from November 2022.
1. Do not lie to me
It’s not a good idea. I will find out. It may not be right then, it may not be tomorrow, but it will come out. Keep in mind I make my decisions when it comes to my kids on the basis of teaching (where I can).
This means I may know right away and allow you to think you got one over on me. I try to avoid doing this trick, and it is definitely a trick, but there are circumstances where I believe it’s necessary or would be more beneficial as a lesson later.
For example, if we’re rushing to get out the door because we’re late for one of your sibling’s doctors appointments I likely won’t have the time to get you to admit anything at that point. Make no mistake in this situation, however, I will circle back later.
Don’t inadvertently call me stupid. Hopefully I can make this argument intelligible (why lying is calling someone stupid). When you lie to someone, you’re basically saying “Either I am intelligent enough to fabricate a reality that you cannot see through.” or “You’re too dumb to see through this thin veil of manipulated truth. EVER.” Likely it’s both.
I know you’re just scared. It’s okay to be scared, but try taking responsibility or owning up to something you’re afraid of admitting. It won’t be as scary as you thought, though there will be consequences as with everything.
I know how hard it is to take responsibility, so you can bet admitting something will be considered a mitigating factor with me. I am not in the business of punishing mistakes (unless you count my lectures as punishment, which is fair). Give me a chance to understand your situation and likely the encounter will end in nothing more than a chat.
2. Do not lie to yourself.
Don’t make excuses for poor decisions, take responsibility. If there’s an excuse for every bad outcome for every bad decision, those decisions will continue to be made. For instance, if you catch the house on fire because you put food in the microwave still wrapped in tin foil, take away the knowledge that tin foil doesn’t go into the microwave.
If you come up with an excuse like “It should have told me on the packaging that this tin foil doesn’t go in the microwave, this isn’t my fault” then the chances you’re going to set more fires due to not thinking or being careful are much higher than if you decide to be safe going forward and pay attention to what you put in.
You shouldn’t rely solely on immediately available warning signs to keep you from making poor decisions, you should rely on your current knowledge and common sense as well. Not every mistake made because consequences weren’t listed in a visible place or the warning signs were ignored are recoverable or potential learning experiences.
Grilling inside, for instance, isn’t something you can walk away from. Generally this is one mistake you can only make once. Be truthful to yourself so you can continue to accumulate knowledge and experiences that will help you avoid potentially disastrous mistakes in the future.
If you lie to yourself you also run the risk of continuing on a trajectory in life that is not meaningful and isn’t good for you. Keep your compass calibrated.
3. Your best effort is required for everything you set out to do.
This one likely needs to be broken down quite a bit more than this one simple statement, and it will be. For now I will attempt to explain it more succinctly than I would generally prefer. Nobody wants to read a novel when they’re expecting an essay.
The purpose of this rule seems obvious and probably is. Trying your best will get you better results in any task or challenge undertaken. Trying your best in your career will take you much further than if you had phoned it in instead because you didn’t want to give much effort. But why is it important to try your best at everything?
You are capable of far more than you currently realize. This statement will be true at every point in your life so save it and read it often. When you are 180 years old, after you discovered the secret to extending human life, after you had two concurrent and successful terms as president and an encore of your presidency was requested worldwide, after you solved world poverty and hunger simultaneously this statement will still be true.
During each step of your journey you could not have known you were capable of the next one. Do not prematurely end your journey due to half-assing something that you should have whole-assed.
While I am around and able to be aware of what you are doing and the effort you are putting forth, I will be giving MY best effort to ensure you give YOURS. I will be annoying at times and I will seem mean and harsh at others but you will understand when you have children of your own.
When you see children out in the wild, let’s use Wal-Mart as an example, you just see a child. A boring, regular child that you’re likely inclined to avoid because they’re either snotty, gross, or have a high chance of being annoying.
It’s easy to think that having one of those goblins is undesirable when you are younger. Once you “accidentally” create one of your own that perspective changes drastically. You will see limitless potential in that snotty, gross, screechy and sometimes annoying perfect angel of a human burrito you hold in your arms (though at Wal-Mart they will look like a goblin to everyone else).
You will want to give them the best possible opportunity to see the potential you felt in them. You will understand the desire of the parent to sacrifice for the child. It may not make sense how I can be confident in this eventuality but I submit not everything has to make sense to be true.
Habits are formed and broken when you aren’t paying attention. This isn’t true all of the time, but it is the majority of the time. You can develop habits on purpose but of course that takes effort.
Developing good habits by virtue of being responsible and doing things you know are good is a better way. We can call that developing good habits inadvertently.
If you consciously put forth your best effort in everything you do and you live your life according to the morals you subscribe to it will eventually become, oddly enough, effortless. This brings me to the final point (though no less significant than the others).
The most difficult part of doing your best isn’t the task itself or the effort put in, it’s the initial decision. Make the decision not to slack off and if you feel yourself slipping, make the decision to reorient yourself to putting forth your best.
If you hit a wall and can no longer put forth your best effort, take a break and continue on later. Do not confuse performance with effort. Performance will vary often depending on circumstances.
Variables like muscle fatigue, eye strain, stress, health etc affect performance. Just make sure you are doing the best you can with what you have to work with.
These rules can seem daunting and it may seem like I am holding you to a much higher standard than is reasonable. That’s okay and I agree with you, it is unreasonable to expect anyone trying to figure out who they are and what they should be to adhere completely to hard and fast rules.
I will continue to hold you accountable anyways. I expect mistakes and hope you will make them while you still live with me or at least while I can still keep you from crashing and burning completely.
It is my hope that having made the mistakes while there is the “Daddy safety net” you won’t have to make them later. Life doesn’t have a safety net. I can only protect you from it for so long, so it’s up to me to decide what amount of falling is acceptable while I’m able to make that choice.
Let’s get one thing clear though, no matter how many times you break my rules I will always love you. You will push boundaries and that tells me you are making a move towards independence.
No matter how many times you make mistakes I will always be proud of you. This tells me you are pushing yourself to the edge of your abilities. If you aren’t making mistakes you are either the perfect human being, which is boring and unlikely, or you aren’t putting forth the effort you know you should.
In either case, whether it be breaking my rules or making mistakes, never ask me for forgiveness. There is nothing to forgive. You are learning and growing. You will never be less than perfection to me.
Found value in these words? Want to dive deeper into the raw, unfiltered truths of life as seen through a father's eyes?
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I still remember my mother’s 3 rules when I turned 13.
1) don’t get a girl pregnant. “Don’t be a fool, wrap your tool” were her words in 1998.
2) don’t take hardcore drugs. “Happy with you doing weed and bongs but none of the hard stuff or pills”
3) never never never ever get on a motorbike.
Bravo! Sometimes boiling things down tests the depth and breadth of knowledge in unusual ways. You are clearly deeply committed to your Dadly Duties but also obviously deeply knowledgeable about parenting. Your writing rings with truth.
I raised our kids to be able to create or find tools they could use to create solutions necessary to overcome problems in all facets of their lives. You are setting your kids up to not only survive, but make the most of their lives. That education is priceless.