Dad's Learning Volume 24: Teachable Moments
The best laid plans of mice and men often get odd looks because talking to mice in the hopes of making any plans strikes me as unusual.
I’ve Created A Monster
The week in question felt easy, it felt redemptive, it felt full of growth. The week that happened, post “Dad’s Learning Volume 23: Good Guilt”, just felt light. Wednesday of last week (6/14) served as a return to ground level experience.
I was looking forward to therapy. I often do, which is lucky, so this wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. What happened that night also wasn’t out of the ordinary, but it was memorable. It has been less than a week but mid-week doesn’t tend to cement itself often in my brain housing group.
My therapist rescheduled last minute. Something came up. Oh well, right? That’s fine, things happen, that’s what the normal person says. Or, perhaps, that’s what the healthy person says.
Oh no, that’s not what I say. I had plans for the day, then for the night. I needed, in my mind, to have my thoughts heard. I write too much, sure, but that’s not the same as working through thoughts and issues and ideas with someone who can challenge them thoroughly and through both a psychoanalyst-adjacent lens and a theological-Christianity based lens.
So I was grumpy.
AY EFF.
That’s shorthand for “as fuck” I think. The kids all use it.
Not mine, mind you. Certainly not while I’m around. What they use when I’m not will be up to them. Decorum is important. Respect is important. Compelling speech completely strikes me as dangerous and deleterious.
But who knows?
Anyways… I have literally forgotten what I was writing about now and I don’t want to look up the eight inches or so to remember. I want my brain to find it. Reading is a crutch!
Full transparency, it didn’t remember the thread for me. I had to look up…
So I was grumpy. My boy, whom I had played with as the day went on, prior to the slotted time with the therapist, he still wanted to play.
And I was an asshole. I was a MONSTER. I was the worst thing I could imagine without being a true monster. I was upset at him. I didn’t want him to smile.
That was awful. Believe me, we have made amends. I have even spoken to him about it and apologized several times. He is four, but I don’t care. He can understand plenty. He can understand this. If I did something wrong I will admit it to him and I will apologize.
Heck, I do that with the dog. I do that with our cat. Now it’s a habit, but before it wasn’t I had trouble making it one. This is what helped and I think, at least in the boy’s case, he’s more than deserving of my apologies.
But what prompted my realization of this issue was my inability to sleep that night.
Due to which I wrote something that sheds more light on the situation and how I felt.
Check that out here:
We went over that whole episode in therapy the following day. Just one day after it normally happens. Why was a short delay worth hurting my child?
That’s the question. It’s an easy one, but I wish I had asked it prior to doing it, of course.
It isn’t worth hurting my child. None of them. It’s not worth hurting anybody.
I struggle with change. This becomes apparent when change happens last minute. My entire demeanor shifts in an instant. My responses become curt, short, snappy. They become cutting, they can be mean.
Which is, you know, not desirable.
My question going forward from today will be “What the shit, why hadn’t you noticed this before NOW?”
I see it as unreliability in the person who caused or decided upon the change in plans. This inability to deal with change applies to most things, not simply plans, but plans are the most vivid memories of this issue I have.
I want my kids to be capable. I see myself as capable of many things. There are challenges I have no business undertaking but would relish the chance to give it an attempt. But, perhaps, there’s some posturing there as well.
Because I am not confident in my abilities.
A strong person can make adjustments. They must. It isn’t optional.
Making adjustments means having humility enough to admit you cannot change the world or change past events. You must instead change yourself or your plans. That is a good indicator who understands life and strength.
So now?
Now I must go to the gym. The gym of security, resilience, and understanding. I must go to the gym of gratitude and humility. I believe I do have my strengths, but I must now isolate and strengthen those characterological muscles I have been neglecting. That way I am not strong in one way, I am strong overall.
And that will require humility. I cannot start on heavy weights given my intense atrophy. I must set aside my pride, the pride at this gym I have built up curling high numbers for years. Now I must go back to the smaller ones and struggle. I must revert back to the novice, but I can use what I know becoming the master in this area prior to get there more quickly this time.
So, that’s what I will do.
Love,
Dad
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Dad