Why I Am Afraid
Princess Zelda Bear Ussery - Grand Old Woman of the Ussery Household
Why I am afraid
The title is misleading. I am actually trying to answer the question "Why am I afraid?" in real time. So as I am writing this I am attention to flesh out what may be going on with me at this moment.
Some background. Zelda is about five hundred and ninety seven years old. She got to see the end of the Protestant Reformation and everything since and she has been my puppy the entire time. Don't worry about the timeline making sense, I just see her as the grand old woman of the house because she has been with me during some very good times and literally the absolute worst times of my life. She was there when I wanted to die and was there when I came back and appreciated life that much more. Today in about an hour and a half, after about twelve years of life for her, I take her to the vet to get a lump checked out. She is a Spanador so lumps have been a constant through her life but this one is quite subdermal and you can check it from one day to the next and tell it is growing. She is spayed and very old so obviously not a puppy in there additionally it's not in the correct place. There is a fair chance it could simply be old age dog grossness, but at her advanced age it is equally likely I will never bring her home again to play old lady tug of war or growl at Melody for daring to be in the same room with her food.
So what am I afraid of? Is it having to put her down? I have put many animals down. It's not a hobby, but I love animals and so I have been around many of them. I know this is the eventuality. This is actually far preferable to the alternative of finding them dead randomly somewhere inside or outside of the house. Those deaths can and have been gruesome and scarring. They're the ones that died, so I do not pity myself, but they stay with you despite them "just being animals". If I have the choice of a peaceful and happy death with me petting them and holding them as they drift off, that's what I will provide. It doesn't make it easy, though at this point it's "easier" than it was the first few times because I know what to expect. Like therapy for traumatic events, the exposure hasn't diminished the fear or sadness or guilt, but it has made me more capable of dealing with them. It has increased the courage and the ability to steel myself against hesitation or second thoughts or anxiety. But it still fucking sucks. It's like fighting. You know you will likely get punched in the face, you know what it's like to be punched in the face, you know you can generally deal with getting punched in the face, but it fucking sucks and best to avoid it if possible. But when unavoidable, defending your family or yourself, you know you can get hit and get back up (assuming you didn't woefully underestimate your opponent) and so you accept that potential or eventuality because it's necessary to do so. That's how I see this. I am about to put myself in a position to get punched in the face by euthanizing my best friend who has been a major part in getting me through the very worst times in my life. Maybe I won't get hit, but I cannot go into this thinking there's no chance.
So maybe I will get to keep her for a few more years, maybe not. She never listened to me anyways, maybe she won't listen to the grim reaper?
"Hey Zelda, get away from the cat food."
Nah buddy, I'm gonna eat the shit out of this cat food and look you in the eye. I am Zelda and I do what I want.
"Hey Zelda, this is an inflatable bed, you have friggin talons on those paws don't jump up here. What the heck are you doing?"
Whatever the hell I want, I am Zelda. I'm not sure why I have to keep telling you this shit, kid.
I am afraid. I am afraid I will have to put her down because I have to put a value on her remaining life. That value may be monetary, it could also be quality of life. She is old and basically hipless at this point, the quality of life she has is already severely diminished. So let's say the treatment would be four figures or something around there. What will that buy her? Another year maybe? Would it buy her more? Of course we cannot know that. Also, we don't know if this will cause any other problems that go with the current hip problems and seeming diminished vision, hearing, and sense of smell. She is still happy, but how much of that is simply because she's getting attention at the time and she isn't miserable the rest of the time? We can't know and I don't think I can make a decision based on that. I will make a decision when it comes to impact on the family. If it's too much I cannot prioritize her over being able to continue providing for my family. That makes me feel like I'm using my family as an excuse not to spend money and maybe I am, I think about that too.
I am scared for the same reasons we are all scared. Uncertainty. This seems to have indicated I am scared of the uncertainty of the future and the finite nature of her life. I will miss her when she's gone, but it's scary not knowing when that will be. I do love my Zelda Bear.
“Once you have had a wonderful dog, a life without one, is a life diminished.”
- Dean Koontz