Speak Less
Listen to a voice that is not your own and you may indeed learn something.
I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.
Speak Less and Learn
Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
I cannot recall if I have ever put forth a more daunting proposition. I have given this advice many times in the past, and I will give it many more times going forward.
While it may not seem like a formidable request, try it out and see. This is notably true in those of you who are more extroverted as you have likely adapted your social behaviors to provide energy as you speak.
Speaking provides you attention, given societal rules generally dictate that only one person speak at a time within a conversation. For anyone, but specifically for the extroverts, this attention provides energy.
Or, perhaps more accurately, quite effective dopamine hits. Now that's an attractive prospect in regards to being the center of attention. You introverts aren't off the hook either, you just look for and require a smaller audience.
When a person realizes he has been deeply heard, his eyes moisten. I think in some real sense he is weeping for joy. It is as though he were saying,
‘Thank God, somebody heard me. Someone knows what it’s like to be me.’
But you should speak less. Not because you keep making a buffoon of yourself, though you may from time to time, but because listening is far more difficult a skill to master. So get started and sooner rather than later.
You may feel that you are an interesting specimen and worthy of people listening to you, and you're likely correct. But you may not be aware just how interesting and full of information other people are.
If you ever find yourself in a boring conversation, the issue may actually be you. The average person is full of surprises, you just need to allow them to appear.
And this tends to be the issue, allowing them to appear. More often than not, we're not listening to our conversational partner, we are simply counting the seconds until we can speak again.
There is a difference between listening and waiting for your turn to speak.
Simon Sinek
The other issue, even when that's not fully the case, is listening for keywords or points in order to bite back at the person across the table with a string of words or witticisms that disprove their point, making you the victor and giving you all the good feelings you could ever dream of.
The problem is, if that is your goal, you are not listening at all. Nor are you having a conversation, you are instead fencing with the other participant verbally.
All the while they likely don't even know it, so when the rebuttal comes and violently so, that's their indication you shouldn't be a future conversational partner. I think they have a point too.
What would happen if you were to truly listen to what someone else had to say? I would submit you would have a real shot at actually understanding their argument, if that is what they were attempting to portray.
Or you would understand their point of view, or their pain, or their joy. But you would actually hear their voice, their views, who they are, not simply a string of words.
When someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mould you, it feels damn good…
The other advantage to truly listening is you would be able to sum up their point of view or argument back to them. And this is the test of whether you were truly listening.
Try this next time (knowing that I didn't come up with it, that was Carl Rogers): When in conversation or dispute with a partner, when they are done talking relay back to them exactly what their point was, their argument was, whatever they were conveying to you. If, after they hear your summation they agree it was accurate, then you were listening. The key here is to make their argument for them.
That's incredibly difficult to do at first. It requires practice, as with all things.
When I have been listened to and when I have been heard, I am able to re-perceive my world in a new way and to go on. It is astonishing how elements which seem insoluble become soluble when someone listens.
Carl Rogers
You will be astounded at how this opens up the world before you. And the benefits don't end there, it opens up the world to whomever you're in conversation with as well. The person that can truly listen is exceedingly rare. They likely have only sparingly if ever encountered someone who cares what they have to say.
Open yourself up to the opportunity to be that person and your world will change. People can tell when you're listening and when you're not. If you're always quick to interject or answer, you aren't listening. Additionally, you won't interject or answer very accurately and it shows. That is the sign to the other person they should stop trying and let it go, and they generally do.
Goodness is about character - integrity, honesty, kindness, generosity, moral courage, and the like. More than anything else, it is about how we treat other people.
You will also stop seeing people as bland and boring, because it's easy to mass categorize humans that way. There are plenty of people and I'm sure there are some that are boring, but not many in my experience.
At least, when they know you care to hear them. People live a long time, which means a lot can and does happen to them. Much of those stories are unbelievably interesting. Give it a shot.
Ultimately, listening more and speaking less is about giving yourself the opportunity to learn as much as possible from every source. Lastly, assume the person you are talking to knows something you do not.
Now this advice is drawn from one of Jordan Peterson's rules. It's a damn good rule. Ignore it at great risk to your potential. Don't worry, I have much to say on that as well.
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