Remember Where You Were
Look back only long enough to gain perspective. Anything more will cause you to run into what you should have avoided.
To suffer terribly and to know yourself as the cause: that is Hell.
- Jordan Peterson
Remember Where You Were
Recently I was asked the question "Who do you think brings these thoughts back?" in a general sense when I was speaking to my therapist about my guilt and regrets. There were two thoughts I had. One was me, the other was Satan. They both seemed at the time reasonable answers until I started reflecting on both of them.
Satan is obvious, considering how he works and what his motivations appear to me. However, why would I continue to bring back these memories as more than simply a lesson?
Why would I think about any neglect I inflicted upon my children simply to feel guilty about? What purpose does that serve? The memory has value. The self flagellation? Less so, I believe. There doesn't seem to be value in digging up the past and using it to destroy the future.
There's value for Satan, but not for myself. Still though, I had issues (and still have issues, but I am working on it) not allowing these things to send me into a spiral of depression. I love my kids, hopefully that's obvious, and I harbor ill will towards anyone that has or would do them harm. That definitely includes myself, for better or worse. At least right now.
So here's where things get less certain in the value of hurting myself for things that happened in the past and perhaps a lesson could be learned. First and foremost, considering God forgives us, who am I to continue to throw these things in his face?
To me, continuing to present them as events I cannot forgive myself for, when He has already forgiven me, exposes my belief, realized or not, that either He made a mistake in forgiving me or that I know better than Him. I am not sure I can claim either of those, but trusting He forgave me for a reason hasn't happened if I keep bringing it back up.
God has done the work in forgiving me. I need to let go and allow Him to continue shaping me.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9
I try and remember these tenants now when those memories crop up to affect me:
I operated in the best way I knew or could at the time. (While I was unable to get off the couch or out of the bed to be with my kids, I no longer have that problem. Meaning I recognized an issue and worked to resolve it. But at the time, this is what I knew.)
We deserve some respect. You deserve some respect. You are important to other people, as much as to yourself. You have some vital role to play in the unfolding destiny of the world.
Jordan Peterson
I know better now that those things I did in the past were born of weakness and depression and I do better because of it. (I know that I cannot allow myself to be relegated to those habits, and I know how to make sure it does not happen again.)
If you are not willing to be a fool, you can't become a master.
Jordan Peterson
We must make some mistakes and bad decisions in life in order to gain the knowledge required to do well later.
"So I went down to the potter’s house and saw him working at the wheel. But the vessel that he was shaping from the clay became flawed in his hand; so he formed it into another vessel, as it seemed best for him to do. Then the word of the LORD came to me, saying, “O house of Israel, declares the LORD, can I not treat you as this potter treats his clay? Just like clay in the potter’s hand, so are you in My hand, O house of Israel."
Jeremiah 18:3-6
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