Pre-Therapy Workshop

I don't know what will be in this piece, but I'm sure it will consist of words.

Appointments Made Into Disappointment

What are some things I have been struggling with lately?

Well, to keep this post from becoming a novel, I’ll keep the list short.

Pulling the trigger or finding income streams.

Feeling paralyzed on days when there’s an appointment or something scheduled, specifically early afternoons.

Let’s start with the latter.

I will need to bring these up during therapy, but rest assured she will be made aware. For better or worse I am transparent in what I divulge to my therapist. I’d assume it’s for the better.

For as long as I can remember, having something scheduled somewhat early in the day or, if it gets scheduled that day, if it is going to happen fairly soon I become paralyzed.

It’s not fear, probably. It may be, who knows. But if there’s something soon, it’s as if I am unable to commit myself to doing something I feel is worthwhile.

Writing, for example, is near impossible if there’s somewhere I need to be in an hour or so. What the hell is that about?

It’s also difficult if it’s late morning, noon, or early afternoon. Waking up that morning there’s no anxiety about it but by the time I have done my morning routine or taken the boy to his school and things come into focus I start to feel the pressure of the appointment closing in.

It’s odd though, because when working close to a deadline, I go into hyper focus and productivity mode. But here, this situation, getting started with anything not related to the scheduled WHATEVER (even phone calls) feels impossible.

It’s NOT impossible, of course. It’s possible. I accept that. I’m annoyed by it, actually. Knowing that it’s possible but having the trouble I do getting past whatever it is impeding me is incredibly frustrating.

That being said, I have no idea what the heck goes on in my head to make this so. Which means I have at least two topics to bring up tomorrow, which is oddly calming.

It gives me comfort knowing I don’t have to keep things secret or that things are already known.

I don’t intend on using these things as crutches, but perhaps saying them publicly will provide me some accountability, real or imagined. It also has the added benefit of having a small chance to reach someone else who may be having these same troubles. It’s always nice to know you’re not alone, and we all feel that from time to time.

Accountability In Finances

Accountability is a recurring theme here, so allow me to keep it up.

I am on the cusp of failing a goal I set for myself with my therapist.

I had 14 days to do some work or accept a side job and bring in some income. There have been roadblocks in my journey for new sources of income, from the job market to the economy (most sectors are good, I think, so this isn’t all of it, of course) to not wanting to provide any barrier to entry regarding content like this.

So there’s a problem here, I still have mouths to feed and futures to consider, apart from my own. Isn’t the role of a father that of instructor, protector, AND provider?

So allow me to provide FURTHER accountability for myself. I have to ACCOMPLISH something along those lines before 6:15 PM EDT tomorrow, 3/29/23 that will either guarantee (as much as that’s possible) another source of income for the household, bring in some income, or both.

So that was the goal and it’s public. And I will update this tomorrow night with either a success or a failure. There are things that have no business being public, and I am completely on board with that idea. It makes sense. I do not think that applies to this situation. We’re fine as a household, but I am doing no favors to our future being a punk about pulling the trigger on some freelance work nor “accepting” the current market’s trends in my current professional field.

Time to get the heck over that.

DAD OUT!