Learn To Communicate
People talk be hard. Learn do good must do.
Take advantage of every opportunity to practice your communication skills so that when important occasions arise, you will have the gift, the style, the sharpness, the clarity, and the emotions to affect other people.
Learn To Communicate
Hey, talking to people is hard. It doesn’t have to be, but it starts out that way. First you have to learn what the words mean, then you have to use them in the correct order.
Okay, the jig is up, you learned to do that much earlier than you learned to understand and incorporate complex ideas and concepts into your everyday life. But this means you already have the tools to speak to people and do so effectively. Now you’re good to go.
Except that’s not the end. If I gave you a triple tap, which is a tool, and told you to use it, you would stare at me knowing I was a crazy person. Sorry, staring at me as if I was a crazy person.
That’s because even though you have the triple tap, the tool, you don’t know what it’s for or how to use it. That’s fair, I had to Google obscure tools to figure it out myself. Language is a tool, too. You have to know what it is, where it’s used, what it does, how it’s applied, and then use it.
Even then you aren’t proficient at it. That comes with use, time, and experience. Those are three words that say the same thing, more or less.
Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
At this point I assume you know what language is. If you don’t, let’s keep it simple. It is a set of words and rules used to move ideas and communicate. That’s a shallow definition but it works for what we’re doing here.
That brief description of language works for everything but actually using it. That part is simple but it can be daunting. That’s why I’m writing this. There are many people in your position nowadays. There are many reasons why but suffice it to say you can blame your “interconnectedness” for this particular widespread anxiety.
Online isn’t enough, but go ahead. You talk to people online but that’s not the same. It is not comparable. It appears it should be, but it isn’t. There’s an anonymity online, even when using your own name and a picture. You’re still just an object, a faceless combatant in some places. It’s a mask whether that was the intent or not.
There’s an easy out, too. If you’re done, mute/block/ignore the other person. If you don’t want to respond, you don’t respond. No immediate consequences. If you want to be rude, you’ll be rude. No immediate consequences.
It’s not like that in person. Will there be immediate consequences? Not always, but usually. It’s not always a Mike Tyson special but you shouldn’t use whether or not you got punched in the mouth to distinguish between a successful encounter and an unsuccessful one. There are differences between online interactions and in-person interactions it’s not currently possible to replicate.
Mood is one of them. Walking into a room that has occupants is a risky endeavor! This risk isn’t quite as dire as walking into a room with people that have weapons and are looking for you, their mark, in order to take you out. That would be worse.
But it can be risky if you haven’t ever done it before or have done it sparingly in life. Most of us have done this simple act many times and don’t think much of it but there are aspects of it we take for granted. For one, we can sense mood.
Sense may be a bit much to describe what happens but it’s instantly relatable. In reality, if we’re have proper social integration, we look around for details about those in the room out of habit. We do it automatically.
Speak clearly, if you speak at all; carve every word before you let it fall.
We do it as if it is part of our sympathetic nervous system and we can have a discussion about whether or not that actually happens if you want. You don’t want that though, I talk a LOT.
We look at the visages that occupy the faces of the occupants. We look to see if they are turned down, turned up, if they look hopeful or happy. We look to see if they’re anxious, if their legs are bouncing nervously.
We look for all of those things at such a rapid pace we hardly notice. That’s what I mean by mood. You can also tell by word choice, tone, pacing, volume, and if you just ask. Those may even be noticeable at times online, but not always.
And, even if they are noticeable, you get a sense of the mood much sooner in person. Being able to do this accurately requires experience. That would require you to go out and walk into a room full of people every now and then to foster that accuracy and experience. You will be awkward but do it. We’re all awkward, man.
I’m even awkward on purpose occasionally. I do love reactions. Now on to body language.
Do me a favor and avoid making the same mistakes I have with body language. This doesn’t mean to get uncomfortably close to someone, lean down, and talk to their hip or their elbow. I mean, I misunderstood. Cops weren’t necessary, sir.
Apparently, and this would have been good to know, body language is how someone reacts physically that can indicate multiple things about how they’re currently feeling, though that’s not all that’s encompassed.
It’s nonverbal communication, not to be confused with ASL. No, MSN Messenger folks, I am not asking for your personal information. This isn’t a chatroom.
A cursory search online can fill you in with a good amount of information about body language but allow me to get you up to speed real quick. If someone you’re talking to was standing up and facing you with squared shoulders and their hands and arms were relaxed or moving around as they spoke, that’s probably a good sign.
If, during the course of the conversation they’re no longer squared to you but have their dominant foot staggered behind their weak side foot and they are no longer standing up straight but appear to be leaning towards you, starting at the hips, try and locate their hands.
If their hands are now balled into fists and they are holding them in front of their face as if guarding it and their elbows are well tucked to their body, you probably said something that wasn’t very nice.
You’ll need experience here too. I could tell you to watch the eyebrows and the angle of their head. I could tell you to pay attention to whether they are showing a closed or an open posture or arm location. I could tell you all that, but are you going to remember it all?
Likely not. And Google has that for you. There’s a lot to body language and this piece shouldn’t be longer than my book. “What is body language?” will work in a pinch. Go ahead, search and learn.
On to nuance in language. Here’s the difficult part and something you must work with others, in person, to get proficient with. It’s easy to talk to people online because you’re not in a situation that necessitates understanding the way in-person interaction does.
You risk those aggressive stances that rude phrases and accusations bring in-person. This is the risk aspect. If there isn’t something immediate you can judge how what you say impacts another it becomes difficult to learn.
Being funny is difficult. Being witty is difficult. Being coy is… something, but also requires trying and failing with a feedback mechanism.
Obviously there are far more elements than what I have gone over, but we need to become proficient in the basics first. After that you likely won’t need me to yap at you anyway.
Good luck.
Go somewhere that people tend to congregate. Find an opening and start a conversation. Go to the supermarket and say words in the language of the community the cashier would understand when you’re checking out.
Ask someone for directions. Tell someone that it’s a nice day. In fact, tell them they have a nice shirt. That will start you out on the right foot for the interaction.
Basically, just do it. Get out and do it. Stop making excuses for yourself, you’re just convincing yourself it’s okay to stay weak. You aren’t weak, you’re capable. That’s important to know and it’s transformative. You are capable of far more than you know and you need to go and find out.
Though, as a concession, a phone or a video call can help you prepare for your in-person interactions, language wise. If you have any questions, let me know. After all, I am a Dad and I Explain. It’s kinda what I do.
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