Dad's Learning Volume 25: Emancipate Your Mind
Negative thoughts will kill you in the end but not before they kill your relationships, your happiness, your sanity, and your soul.
Negativity doesn't help me.
** Just a friendly note, I write these how I think and how I speak. There are some expletives littered through here. I’m sure, if you’re sensitive to them, there should be a browser plug-in to censor them or something, right? And if not, perhaps that’s a money making opportunity for you to develop! Enjoy. **
Freedom of Thought
As I start this one off, I can’t help but tell you all something I made up all by myself of course. It’s a profound statement you won’t see or hear anywhere else. It’s “Don’t worry, be happy”. Stunning, right?
Okay, so that’s a song by Bobby McFerrin, full disclosure. And, ensuring the accuracy of that I went down a rabbit hole and found it was also used in the late 1800s and early 1900s by Meher Baba, and Indian Spiritual Mystic/Guide/Master. There appears to be some ambiguity on the title of this gentleman but he was, presumably, somewhat spiritual.
But “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” is some pretty damn good advice. Choose happiness where you can, when you can, and you can in most situations. Stop telling yourself you cannot see the positive, that keeps you from ever getting to the point you start being able to see the positive. Things don’t happen easily, generally. So shut up about the negative, start looking for the positive.
That’s harsh, of course, but I’m alright with that. Do you have a chemical imbalance that makes it more difficult? Join the club, we’re growing in number! Still, despite the fact it’s more difficult it’s still attainable.
But anyways, these are the things I tell myself. I do believe they are necessary for me as well. A soft touch doesn’t often work on me, so I tend to go hard.
But how do we do any of this, anyways?
First, recognize your “stinkin’ thinkin’”.
Second, counter those negative thoughts with positive ones.
Third, never stop never stopping.
Sorry, that should say: keep it up until it becomes so ingrained in you to do you don’t have to think about it anymore.
Should you lie to yourself? I think not. But that’s what this is meant to alleviate. These negative thoughts often turn out to be bullshit we make up. Junk from the past that we recycle and place on others.
For instance, being gaslight sucks. But has your current partner ever done that?
I hope not or they shouldn’t still be your partner. That’s a red flag amongst the nuclear sirens and red flashing lights. Drop that monster like it’s hot.
So why would it be “likely” they’re hiding something? Why allow that thought to stay around? Why allow it to fester? Punt that dumb-ass thought away as quick as you can. It’s 4th and long. You’re pinned on your own 1-yard line, punting from your own endzone. You’re staring down the 2007 New York Football Giants’ NASCAR speed rushers. Tuck, Straham, Umenyiora, Kiwanuka are all looking at you as if you’re a large cut of steak and they haven’t eaten yet that day.
You can’t just sit around and think about punting that thought away, you have to be fast. You have to be deliberate. You have to be aware of any issues coming your way. You cannot make a mistake, like lying or taking half measures. You cannot lollygag. You will give up two points or six if you do.
****(my apologies to the modern version of the Big Blue Wrecking Crew or, if you’d like, Spag’s Stags or whatever that D-line enjoyed being called. The intent wasn’t to compare you to negative thoughts, but I couldn’t think of a better line up of four elite pash rushers in their primes)****
Don’t give up anything to those negative thoughts. Don’t give them an inch. If you give up that inch, after a while, they’ll take your life. They don’t want a mile, they want you. Now, there is a reason they are there. You let them encroach.
But at the time that was a way to defend yourself from pain. You were gaslit, you were abused, you were betrayed, whatever it was. One natural reaction to that is denial, and imposed denial in the case of gaslighting of course. But another, and seemingly more common reaction is a new, dim view of reality, trust, and people that affords you some tools to ensure you’re never taken advantage of again.
Of course, this breeds nihilism, disgust, resentment, hate, a feeling of emptiness, loneliness, death, a proclivity to imbibe wanton amounts of Starbucks espresso.
None of those are great options and, eventually, this uniquely dim view of the world brightens a bit once some time has passed and perspective gained.
In my case this happened when meaning was re-introduced into my life.
Which is a shame I carry with me even now. I should work on that but it’s difficult to reconcile.
Meaning was given to me by my current wife. My issue is I was already a Dad at the time to my Blondie.
What I am having difficulty parsing through without circling back around and re-questioning myself is why my Blondie, by virtue of being around, wasn’t enough to re-acquaint me with meaning and purpose.
But perhaps she was what kept me alive until then, until my wife.
In fact, there’s no perhaps.
That’s the case.
Holy crap, revelations while writing are wonderous and overwhelming. An impossibility to express through text, represented by machines reading 1s and 0s, to an audience of strangers that no longer feel like strangers. I wish I could do this justice.
Now I have a compulsion to read the Bible and jump into some poetry to find these words. Perhaps some John Milton. He would be up to this task, I’m sure.
But I am rambling on. I do that when I get AWESTRUCK by the wonder of God, family, and my CHILDREN. I love them. They’re flippin’ amazing.
Anywho…
I drank to get to the next day. I didn’t drink to forget. Drinking did nothing for my memory and my thoughts. I drank to stop consciousness. I did, in my mind, enjoy the journey to unconsciousness at times. I loved, or so I told myself, the build up to that point playing Destiny over the XBox, headset on and grouped with my brothers. But in the end it was for sleep. It was towards the goal of a cessation of being, at least for a while.
Then I would check my couch and around my house for change I could find and pool together to get something cheap at the gas station within walking distance of my house. If, while not in a relationship (holy lucky values to have, Batman), I thought I would try and invite someone over, I wouldn’t clean up. No, I wouldn’t, I would try and scrounge a little harder for change and money and whatnot though. That way I could buy something of higher quality and quantity.
Instead of malt liquor or the canned equivalent, perhaps I could grab a fancy 6-pack of Bud Light!
Because, you know, I know how to treat a lady.
Of course being drunk in that manner constantly didn’t lend itself to being able to coax anyone into that dungeon of depression, despair and destitution.
Anywho, long story short, my wife upon first meeting my Blondie acquiesced to her request to play outside. She got up, without groaning or having to talk herself into it and just went and played with her.
That was a pivotal moment for me.
So, cool, some reconciliation and revelation happened here.
Alrighty, let’s circle back again.
That was my moment of gained perspective on life, right?
But I still have issues with my past. Here’s the thing about the past… it’s over. It’s gone. You can look back and learn, and you should, but don’t let it ruin what you have. Don’t allow it to affect your present in a negative manner.
Do not allow your past to affect your present and become your future.
Self-fulfilling prophecies feel far-fetched until you look around at the world and the miserable people in it. We’re all products, in one form or another, of our own negative thinking. That is, the misery it brings.
Yesterday I was forced to look where I didn’t want to.
I looked in the mirror and I am horrified by what I saw. I saw a boy, surrounded by dragons and too afraid to look at any of them, though he needs to. A boy that still hopes ignoring them means they don’t actually exist. My past is not my present and is not my future. It can be, if I allow it, but fuck that. I don’t want it. I want my present. After all, as Grand Master Oogway says, that’s why it is a gift.
What those negative thoughts do is gaslight you.
Congratulations, you played yourself.
They’re convincing you of something that isn’t real and continue to do so over a substantial time horizon in order to manipulate behavior towards a desired goal or outcome.
Do not be gaslit by yourself, by your insecurities.
A garbage thought that also comes up when dealing with negative thoughts that try and reinforce mistrust is thinking by pushing them away you cannot be hurt by them.
That’s false, they come back. They hurt you each time.
You must nullify those thoughts. I must nullify those thoughts.
So I’m going to multiply those bastards by zero and destroy that reality.
Because I want to.
What I will actually do is counteract the negative thoughts with their inverse. If no inverse is immediately available I’ll simply use positive thoughts.
So, be vigilant.
Counteract each negative thought. It’s not enough to identify them, you have to nullify them with their opposite or simply positive thinking. You must negate their behavioral reinforcement aspect. When you allow the negative thoughts, it reinforces their validity. You say to yourself they should be there and that will allow them to return and more often. Tell your brain it’s actually wrong. That will be uncomfortable and you will struggle and perhaps even slip into a darker place at the onset. That’s an attempt at reconciliation. You will question if you’re being stupid and naive to attempt to trust fully and completely again.
But don’t allow that to win.
Learn from those past experiences but don’t be enslaved by them.
You must be able to trust again, though I don’t recommend trusting the same person who hurt you.
Find positive quotes and thoughts and positive aspects about yourself, your family, your partner and commit them to memory. Make them a mantra, even.
But memorize them to emancipate your mind.
And enjoy the freedom that it brings.
Love,
Dad
Hi there,
I am truly grateful for your support and interest in my writing. It's been an amazing journey with my 'Dad Explains' Substack, and I hope you're finding value in the insights I share as I navigate this beautiful, often confusing, thing we call life.
I genuinely want my work to reach as many people as possible, and to make that happen, I've introduced a paid subscription option. Your subscription not only supports the work, but it also gives you access to exclusive content, discussions, and more - a closer look at the world through the lens of a dad trying to figure things out.
However, I understand that not everyone might be in a position to upgrade to a paid subscription at this moment. If you're facing financial constraints, or there's another reason why you can't subscribe just yet, please don't hesitate to reach out. Write to me at dad@dadexplains.life, and I'll add you on as a paid subscriber for a bit for free.
Remember, we're all in this together. Let's continue to learn, grow, and navigate this journey together.
Best,
Andrew Ussery
Dad