Dad's Learning Part 5 (A Continuing Series)
A list of all my darkest fears? No sweat...
My task this week was a hard one. I hope it’s intelligible. I think “thought laundry” was clever and apt…
“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”
― Carl Gustav Jung
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
― C.G. Jung
Thought Laundry
"Make a list of negative thoughts and beliefs that have impeded you in some form or another in life (specifically the past) and presently."
Well this is a tough one. I have been putting it off for a week now, it seems, so I can't anymore.
If I am being honest here, and I am, I do not know where to start. I am lost with this exercise and that seems to be a good sign. So what I will do and what has worked in the past is I will just keep writing until something happens. Hopefully this won't take too long, y'all.
Okay, so let's go through the sentence and break it down. "Make a list" makes sense. I can make a bullet or numbered list. Hell, I can even use letters. I do love letters. I also love “love letters”. I am stalling…
"Of negative thoughts" well shit. I have a lot of those. Or maybe had? I think had is better considering they seem to no longer dominate my brain like they used to. Let's try and get some together.
I am not good enough. Good enough for what though? What does that even mean, good enough? That sounds like some garbage that a person with a grudge or some insecurity problems would throw out to somebody they perceive threatening, which is everybody.
I will not follow through. Well, follow through with what? There's an easy one here, my book to my children. I don't think I can allow myself to drop this though. I don't think this one is as easy as quitting a project. I have a goal, a motivation, a prize I am running towards, but I am also running away. I am running away from something dark and malevolent. I am running away from the terror, from the bogeyman. My prize and my motivation is a reference book for my kids. My terror? The thing that stares at you in the dark, watching, waiting? That's death. Not just death, I haven't feared dying as a symptom for a number of years. The aspects of death. Not seeing my babies grow up, become who they are. Yes, who they are. I truly believe parents can see potential. Not just the angelic visage of a baby's face, but the potential all children bring. Another aspect, not supporting them. Another aspect, not being there for them. Another appendage of this terror in the night happens to be preparation. I am worried my kids will not be prepared for the world. They will be prepared to an extent, and I want them to be slightly more prepared, and I know they cannot be fully prepared, but I want them to be able to avoid death or fates worse than death at least. I am worried they will run into times where they cannot pick up the phone and call me and talk to me about what is hurting them. Who knows why. Maybe the 5E signals are really coming from birds the government deployed to spy on us and we all caught on or some bullshit like that. So we had to destroy the government drone spy birds, obviously... So there's no signal. Or, more likely, they made a dumbass mistake like all of us do when we're young and dumb and they're embarrassed. But they don't realize I only judge their actions or decisions as good, bad, or neutral. I never care to judge them and I try to avoid judging others in relation to their character. Who they are. They don't need to be embarrassed. But in this situation they need guidance but they cannot call ole "judgy" dad because of reasons. So they remember they have a book they've certainly never opened before called "Love, Dad" (maybe I'll stick with Dad Explains) and they go to the table of contents and they find their issue is actually addressed. Now they know they're not alone. They won't read it, who wants to read what their dad wrote unless it's in regards to a memory? But they will know they aren't alone. They will know they can call me because I did that same stupid thing. That terror, that darkness, that fate worse than death for me is my children thinking they aren't good enough, aren't worthy, aren't valuable enough to warrant redemption or forgiveness. That they're stupid or horrible or to blame fully for being taken advantage of.
I will wait too long to make a decision or find a job. That's an easy one for this list. I will leave it at that, no real explanation there. Reasonable fear.
I am not good enough TO BE WRITING FOR ANYONE, EVER. Well, there's the first one with some meat. I guess just writing can help (hint hint, children!). This one is a growing fear of mine. I think it's self explanatory. I have no idea how to do this thing, but I am going to do it. I just have to hope I do it well and it has the correct timing and niche.
I am not a good man, and I am not a good enough man. I don't know how to go into this one. I may need to reflect more. I really hate this assignment right now. Continuing on...
I do not treat my family with enough attention or care. Yeah, this one is hurting a bit. My poor babies...
I am being selfish and unrealistic. I am probably manic right now and at any time I could fall back into depression. This one is a surprise to me, but I cannot disprove it. It makes sense.
I am making a fool of myself being open and honest about what I am going through. Luckily for this one I have made a fool of myself many times before while actually trying to keep things to myself, so me being a fool is simply my nature. But you know what they say about being a fool...
Oh, you don't?
The cleverest of all, in my opinion, is the man who calls himself a fool at least once a month. - Fyodor Dostoevsky
Wow, Dostoevsky. I take that as "One must remind themselves they are capable of folly or risk becoming its manifestation".
If one does not understand a person, one tends to regard him as a fool. - Carl Jung
This one speaks to me considering I do not truly know myself. At least not fully, but that's what this journey is for. Hopefully I have pleasant surprises ahead.
You can always tell a real friend: when you've made a fool of yourself he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job. - Laurence J. Peter
Be a friend to yourself. I like this one. I need to be a friend to me.
But here's the one I meant, before diving into everything I have ever written down...
The fool is the precursor to the savior. - Carl Jung
I do not believe I will become the savior. That isn't the point. I believe that is the archetype to aspire to be. I am trying to shape my life and my values to square better with the vision and example we were presented with by our Savior.
That's all I can ask of myself, I think. Keep moving forward, correcting my direction along the way, moving ever closer to that light in the distance.
Love You,
Dad
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope it can provide some value to some of you.
Comment on how those first two buttons were annoyingly placed! That would be good feedback. I have no idea where to put buttons, this is a blog, not trousers…
Blog is such a gross word…
