Dad's Learning Part 21: Tell Dad He Was Right
Have I been silly for a decade? That'd be fine.
Look to yourself for the change you desire and the change you require.
- Andrew Ussery (Dad Explains)
Reading Requires Focused Attention
We are taught you must blame your father, your sisters, your brothers, the school, the teachers - but never blame yourself. It's never your fault. But it's always your fault, because if you wanted to change you're the one who has got to change.
For this piece I am using scattered notetaking and interesting one liners I wrote down during therapy as the title, subtitle, and header. They seem to fit so I am going to leave them.
I have trouble sitting down and just reading. I read so much on the computer and whatnot but when it comes to sitting down with a book it’s standard for me to struggle. In fact it’s more likely I’ll struggle to get started than to get through very much of it. It’s rather annoying.
And now I have to tell my Dad he was right.
I am, quite obviously, an Olympic athlete. I made that seemingly impossible leap with little to no effort. So allow me to show my work on this Greek sized math problem.
My Dad has told me many things. I attempted, in vain, to ignore most of it. What could my Dad know? Naturally he learned a lot since I was a teenager but there’s something that he used to do and tell me that bothered me more than anything else.
I have learned a lot about my Dad but not much of what I learned came from him. That is, the information ABOUT him I got either by observing or by eavesdropping. Had I not, I would still assume he’s eternally stoic and impossible to talk to. The second part can be true at times, so I come by that honestly I guess. I can be impossible too.
When it was cold out or when we were in uncomfortable conditions his solution was “Don’t be cold".” or whatever the comfort issue was. That’s very annoying to be told over and over. There’s no way that’s possible.
A father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be.
Of course it turns out to be completely possible. Sure, you cannot control shiver and you cannot really effect your internal body temperature and metabolism, but you can convince yourself effectively. I learned that, to my chagrin, in the Marines. I went to boot camp in the winter and despite that being in South Carolina, Parris Island got COLD. And I didn’t have to be, so I wasn’t.
I should tell my Dad he was right.
The other gem he presented as advice was when something was difficult or I wasn’t able to do a certain task. “Just do it.” Okay Dad, yeah, that’ll help. “Just get it done.” Hey man, that’s the same damn thing. That’s not advice!
You guessed the theme by now. It turns out it IS advice. How unfortunate for my ego.
When I was 18, I thought my father was pretty dumb. After a while when I got to be 21, I was amazed to find out how much he'd learned in three years.
I had a conversation with my Mom a few months ago. I could write and write for Substack but couldn’t get anything going for the book. I ranted and rambled as I tend to do when I am processing something and eventually it hit me, I have to listen to Dad. I even ran it by my Mom who was in the same boat I had been, assuming that wasn’t going to be it, but once I tied it together… Well, she was sold, too.
Just do it.
Shit, he’s right again.
Writing can be tough at times. I find the tough times are when I am thinking about writing, not writing. I haven’t had a tough time while I am typing or while the words are going down on paper. I only have issues when I am trying to think about writing. That’s odd, of course writing is hard when you aren’t doing it. It’s impossible to write if you don’t start. That should be obvious but many of us get caught in that trap. Do you think through every word of something you’re writing prior to writing it? No? Then just start banging it out. You’d think that would be obvious, as I said, but I swear it’s a secret. Somehow.
So I just did it. And it worked.
I should tell Dad he was right.
I hope I can be as good of a father to my son as my dad was to me.
And I think that’s what I need to do with reading. Thinking about reading seems silly. I should just sit down and I should just get it done.
Then, I should tell Dad he is right.
Because he is.
I should admit that I have been silly for a decade. Silly about writing. Silly about reading. Silly about getting started.
Because I have been.
Anxiety Annoyance
Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength.
This is a recurring topic. I’m going to conquer this beast before we’re done. At this point I am willing to conquer it simply out of spite for anxiety. That son of a bitch has been bothering me for far too long and now I don’t even like seeing the word. Just leave me alone already.
Now, I have been referring to some of it as “anticipatory anxiety”. That’s an okay way to reference what I feel, sure, but I don’t like it anymore. It’s more accurately described as anxiety induced anticipatory stress. It may not seem like much of a difference but for me it’s just one more step in separating myself from anxiety.
If I can separate the feeling from the word and distinguish between the two it seems as though I can slowly continue to step away from it entirely. The word itself is innocuous, but if I keep saying I have it, I’ll keep thinking I have it. If I keep thinking “Oh, anxiety this and anxiety that” of course I am going to continue to FEEL it.
So out the door it goes. Anticipatory stress, nice to meet you.
Also, gratitude, my apologies for failing to practice you as much as I should.
Let’s walk through the relationship here. Gratitude and anxiety cannot exist in the mind at the same time. That’s according to neuroscience, I don’t make the rules. How though? No idea, I’m not a rocket surgeon.
I have some theories, though.
So what is anxiety?
Anxiety is your body’s warning bell indicating the encroachment of entropy. Entropy is the slow descent into chaos, more or less. Entropy happens when you stop, when you stall, when you’re still, not when you’re moving forward. At least, that’s when it’s the worst.
So stick with me. It appears for entropy to get its hooks in you it relies on a vacuum of happy chemicals, of dopamine. Anxiety is an indicator of a dopamine deficient state and says “Hey dummy, move to get that dopamine, entropy is far worse than I am!”.
Makes sense to me.
Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith.
But why is gratitude what cannot exist at the same time?
Well, gratitude is happiness. It’s thankfulness, right? If you have a dopaminergic deficit you become paralyzed by anxiety, essentially. To get dopamine you must move, more or less. Sure, this isn’t all exact, but bear with me here.
That’s a sticky, deck stain-like situation. If you’re paralyzed you can’t move, but the way to no longer be paralyzed is to move. What the shit, brain? That’s a garbage situation to put me in.
Time to call on gratitude. Hopefully they stick the superhero landing.
Gratitude is the act or state of being thankful. Also, it works under the “fake it ‘til you make it” model. That’s flipping wonderful. Once summoned, it comes in all its glory and presents you with that tasty, wonderful dopamine. You know, the chemical you need to move and that you get by moving towards a set goal? Well, here’s a freebie. All you have to do is practice SOME gratitude. To be grateful for SOMETHING. ANYTHING.
Once gratitude has been summoned and you say thank you for something, even in your head though it works better aloud, you are given dopamine. That tells anxiety it can go away. After all, it appears to be the absence of dopamine or at least low levels. Now you can move, now you can live, now you can avoid that dreaded entropy.
The truth is that there is no actual stress or anxiety in the world; it's your thoughts that create these false beliefs. You can't package stress, touch it, or see it. There are only people engaged in stressful thinking.
Given they are opposites it makes sense they cannot occupy the mind simultaneously.
What a wonderful life hack. It’s free, to boot.
Almost free. I know, there’s always a catch.
What is that one thing you need to practice gratitude?
Well my dear children, after all this is a letter to you, is it not? My dear children, you need humility.
If you gave yourself everything, how can you have that gratitude?
Be willing to admit there are things to be grateful for because there are.
Many things.
That’s all the humility you need.
Be humble. Be grateful.
Live.
Love,
Dad
Hi there,
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Dad