Dad's Learning Part 12: Efficacious Interpersonal Skills (A Continuing Series)
Efficacy in interactions can have lasting benefits.
I think we all have empathy. We may not have enough courage to display it.
This week there are two separate parts I am writing. They’re both in this post. I decided to keep them together since they’re alike in purpose. So buckle up, this one is a beefy one.
Unintended Conflict
Occasionally I have discussions with my wife. Shocking, I’m sure. And during those conversations there can be some tension. Frustration is more accurate. I am not always the most tactful person in a room, even when I’m alone. That’s a creativity joke and I think it’s devilishly clever.
When I am speaking with my wife I need to remember a few things. When she begins a discussion or brings up a topic, if there are feelings expressed, I need to acknowledge those feelings. I don’t have to agree with them, but I cannot brush them aside. That sends the wrong message. It makes it appear as though I don’t care about them or they don’t matter. That’s not what I am attempting to say in any way, but jumping straight into a topic gives that message anyways.
I tend to see issues or problems separate from the person or separate from myself. Almost as if they are an object or a puzzle to solve or dismantle. That’s not true for the wife. Not always, anyways. And if she is bringing it up it seems reasonable that she would feel it was important and therefore something to have feelings about.
I try not to be a robot. I do have the occasional robot-like demeanor. Avoiding this is important.
Sometimes we are emotional. Sometimes we are completely rational. Both of those states cloud the reality of the world around us. A balance between those states is a must. That’s wisdom. Understanding there are objective truths and spiritual or ethereal truths is key. Sometimes things aren’t rational but they are true nonetheless.
You use your emotional brain when feelings flood the mind and influence your behavior. Your rational brain is used when you are attempting to approach things in a purely intellectual fashion. And, as alluded to earlier, the wise brain balances between the two. It’s the balance of reason and emotion. This is what makes someone emotionally intelligent.
So I am working on putting this knowledge into practice. Starting with three key features.
Empathy - “I’m sorry to hear that.”
Interest - “Can you tell me more?
Affirmation - “I can see you’re frustrated.”
“Well…” is no longer an acceptable way for me to respond when approached with a conversational topic. I can use that after I affirm feelings or after I outwardly recognize them, and after I have listened, truly listened, while she’s talking. My tone also throws out some unintended signals.
Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills
We sometimes encounter people, even perfect strangers, who begin to interest us at first sight, somehow suddenly, all at once, before a word has been spoken.
This week I am working on skills to increase the effectiveness of my interpersonal interactions. Basically that's just a fancy way of restating the title. You're welcome.
There are three sets with ornate acronyms. I will be attempting to put them into my own words (acronyms notwithstanding, of course).
The first is objective effectiveness.
Quality is not an act, it is a habit.
This is the clear expression of what you want. So, your needs and that which you may desire. If you can express what you need to clearly and show your partner that it's important, the chances of success increase and your communication with that partner will be better overall.
Don't shy away from your wants and needs. Everybody has them. And if you're timid or shy away from doing so, that may make your partner do the same. Imagine being in a relationship and it appears as though you are the only one making requests. It would make you feel as though you're being selfish or asking for too much from your partner, would it not? It probably should, at least.
Both partners being comfortable stating their wants and their needs should be strived for in a relationship so there aren't underlying needs not being met and resentment then being fostered. That would go against any effort to building a good and strong interpersonal partnership.
Second, we have relationship effectiveness.
Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.
This is meant to foster positive interactions with your partner. Relationships are a two-way street. Or, more accurately, relationships should be a two-way street. They are reciprocal. That means mutually beneficial.
The way we approach our partner when starting a dialogue or simply seeing them for the first time that day or when they get back from being out is important to think about. You should also aim for that interaction to be pleasant. What would either of you gain from those interactions being unpleasant? I submit you gain nothing except suffering and relationship issues. That is, of course, assuming that's a regular occurrence.
There will be times one or both of you are in a mood or in a poor state of mind. That's life. Consistently agitated or grumpy interactions, however, will not allow your relationship to grow in either strength or closeness.
If you approach interactions negatively you cannot expect your partner to stay or interact with you positively. This is true regardless of how much you may desire them to. In fact, you can technically expect them to greet you happily and with a whimsical demeanor, but you will be sorely disappointed and your expectations of them are unreasonable.
For the third and last set, we have self-respect effectiveness.
To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.
Occasionally you'll fall into the trap of going against your values or beliefs in order to attain approval from your partner or something you want from them. Be wary of this. Have the difficult conversation instead, if that's what's needed.
You don't want to go against who you are in order to gain something you want. That is a sacrifice that can lead to you making more drastic ones in the future. Additionally, this can and generally is manipulative. Relationships should not be based in manipulation and over time this can become the case even if they seem like small tweaks at the time.
Objective Effectiveness: D.E.A.R.M.A.N.
Describe - Describe the situation well by sticking to the facts and avoiding opinions and interpretations. Everyone needs to be on the same page.
Express - Express your feelings about the situation. Do it clearly and confidently.
Assert - Say what needs to be said. Don't go "I don't know if I will be able to clean tonight." Instead say "I will be working late and won't be able to clean tonight."
Reinforce - Reinforce why the outcome that is preferred SHOULD be preferred. If the news is responded to well, acknowledge that. (Smile. Say thank you.)
Mindful - Remember your objective going into the interaction. Don't get sidetracked.
Appear - Be confident. If you aren't, fake it until you make it. Your posture, tone, eye contact, and body language are all important.
Negotiate - Be open to negotiation. You won't always get what you want. That's not how life works. "If you can give the boy a bath I can get the cleaning done when I get home."
Relationship Effectiveness: G.I.V.E.
Gentle - Approaching interactions in a threatening or attacking manner will only cause problems. Judging your partner and expressing that judgement can have that effect too. Be open to a "no" from them every once in a while. If you're consistently unreasonable, expect it more often than that.
Interested - Listen to your partner. Really listen. Don't just bide your time while they're talking waiting for your turn to speak. Pay attention. Understand what they are saying.
Validate - Validate the feelings of your partner and do it earnestly. Validate their thoughts and do that earnestly as well. Identify when you are being demanding and recognize it openly.
Easy - Smile and interact with a lighthearted demeanor where you can.
Self-Respect Effectiveness: F.A.S.T.
Fair - Fairness is not an aspect of life. However, it should be employed when dealing with yourself and others when possible. Be fair to yourself. Be fair to others.
Apologies - Only apologize when it is warranted. Don't apologize for your requests, opinions, or disagreements.
Stick to values - Don't compromise your values to be liked or to get what you want. Stand up for what you believe in.
Truthful - Avoid being dishonest. Avoid exaggerating and lying. Avoid acting as if you are helpless in order to manipulate someone else.
To be persuasive we must be believable; to be believable we must be credible; credible we must be truthful.