Dad's Learning Part 10: A Focus On Emotional Intelligence (A Continuing Series)
Big topics in the headlines? A necessary adaptation.
Emotional intelligence begins to develop in the earliest years. All the small exchanges children have with their parents, teachers, and with each other carry emotional messages.
The tenth session was enjoyable. It started with me talking about the ending of my last write up. That is, my inability to discern between grief and excitement as the source of my clouded thoughts. It turns out that was likely due to writing a good deal prior. Which makes sense. A lot of sense.
The grief was due to Zelda, of course. The excitement due to the email sent to the publisher. The clouded thoughts were fatigue. That's a nice realization.
Feeling my feelings while doing what I love is healthy.
Reflections on This Session
"Don't get caught up in the troubles of others where they become your own."
This was important enough for me to write down during the session. We were talking about trying to empathize and help people. That is the path I am travelling down now. I don't know if it's the right one for me but I do know it is necessary.
Empathy can be useful and it can be helpful for others. Don't allow their problems to become yours. You can create bonds when you aren't paying attention. I is important to remind yourself that you are separate from them. If you stay separate and you stay objective, you can do a better job. If you do not, you will become ineffective in any attempts to help.
Empathize, do not personalize.
Becoming Familiar with Emotional Intelligence and its 5 Keys
Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence is your ability to recognize and understand emotions in yourself and others, and your ability to use this awareness to manage your behavior and relationships.
Emotional Intelligence. That's the ability to both identify and manage your own emotions with the addition of being able to identify the emotions of others. The quote above is eerily similar to what I wrote down prior. Seems there’s a consensus on this.
Emotional intelligence is a lot to ask of people. At first glance this seems impossible. Consider how much we know about ourselves right now. It is very little. Without a great deal of introspection and observation how could we?
EI is also the ability to identify and name these emotions as they come, coupled with the ability to harness them in productive ways. Namely creativity and thought. I added that last part, but it is an apt furthering of the description.
This is "measured" in part by a metric called the "Emotional Quotient". Tests are unavailable for it, like ones for IQ, but those weren't available either until it was better understood.
Self-awareness
Self-awareness is a trait -or maybe 'practice' is the more accurate way to put it - that everyone can always improve at. It is part emotional intelligence, part perceptiveness, part critical thinking. It means knowing your weaknesses, of course, but it also means knowing your strengths and what motivates you.
Neil Blumenthal
"The emotionally intelligent are highly conscious of their own emotional states, even negative ones—from frustration or sadness to something more subtle. They are able to identify and understand what they are feeling, and being able to name an emotion helps manage that emotion. Because of this, the emotionally intelligent have high self-confidence and are realistic about themselves." - Psychology Today
Self-awareness feels both old and new to me. I have been able to stay in-tune with how I feel as far back as I can remember, though inconsistently. It wasn't until I started working on myself, moving forward on improving my own mental health, that I was able to identify my feelings consistently.
Self-regulation
There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self.
The ability to identify emotions opens the possibility of regulating them. Being high in EI (emotional intelligence) or having a high EQ (emotional quotient) relies on not only the ability to identify but the ability to down-regulate if needed. If angry, identify you're angry, and adjust. If anxious, identify, and adjust.
This seems particularly pertinent to earlier lessons where we identify not just what we feel, but why. Zeroing in on the "why" can allow us to adjust the "what" which is the emotion in this case.
Motivation
Self-centered leaders manipulate when they move people for personal benefit. Mature leaders motivate by moving people for mutual benefit.
Don’t be self-centered. Be mature. See the benefit of self-motivation and receive the benefit of that, in itself, motivating you.
Motivation is the natural progression of self-awareness and self-regulation. If you feel lethargic and empty, you will notice that you feel lethargic and empty.
Well, why do you feel lethargic and empty? Self-regulation relies on not simply identifying and emotion, but why there is that emotion. Sometimes there isn't an easy answer though and knowing you feel that way can be useful.
So, let's presume there is no discernable reason for feeling lethargic and empty. If there is no reason to feel this way, that in and of itself is a thought you can use to up-regulate your emotions from there.
There's no reason to feel that way, so I am going to stop feeling that way. But how?
Well, gratitude has bullied its way into my arsenal of up-regulating techniques recently so let's use that one. For emotional up-regulation, gratitude is the equivalent of a Abrams tanks going against a paper target. It is powerful.
There is no reason to feel lethargic and empty. Feeling this was is not pleasant. In fact, it is quite unpleasant. I no longer want to feel this way. Lethargy and emptiness is my paper target now. I sit my butt down in my Gratitude Abrams, turn that monster on, and steamroll my way over those negative emotions.
Say what gives you gratitude. Say what you're thankful for. Show gratitude for the day because you have the opportunity to experience it.
It is odd, but you don't always have to mean it right away. Gratitude has a quality that allows it to be faked until realized.
It is a wonderful tool.
Empathy
Human morality is unthinkable without empathy.
EI and EQ are inextricably tied to empathy. Empathy is a requirement.
The ability to self identify and regulate emotions allows and encourages the ability to do that in others around you. It is not intangible. Self-awareness requires listening and reading your own body language and social queues, so those subtle queues become more pronounced in those around you. It isn't always noticeable at first, and very easy to ignore if you try, but this would be a mistake.
It is very useful to feel those around you. Use it. Cultivate it. Keep it.
Social Skills.
Leadership is all about emotional intelligence. Management is taught, while leadership is experienced.
Rajeev Suri
Social skills come from experience. Empathy comes from experience. Using one to help expand the other, well that would the be experienced thing to do.
Greater awareness of emotions leads to greater empathy which can lead to greater social skills.
Timing is important here though. Reading the room is important. Empathy is important for reading the room.
The social skills aspect is needed so you can better understand when to use that empathy to empathize with someone outwardly, and when it would be best to leave them alone.
Sometimes people want to be heard. Sometimes they want to be felt. Sometimes they just want to be left alone.
All are great options.
Thank you for reading. Sincerely.
Love,
Dad