Check Your Rearview, Then Adjust
Reframing Past Memories for a Clearer Present
More information is always better than less. When people know the reason things are happening, even if it's bad news, they can adjust their expectations and react accordingly. Keeping people in the dark only serves to stir negative emotions.
When you get into your car to drive the first thing you do after buckling is checking your rearview mirror to make sure it is properly oriented. Safe and lawful driving necessitates the rearview to accurately represent what's behind you.
If your rearview has shifted for any reason and you notice during your pre-drive checklist you adjust it until it has returned to its desired position. This should also be applied to events in your life.
Your memories and your thoughts are your rearview mirror. What's behind you? That is your past. Past experiences and past events can stick with you long after you believe you've forgotten them.
Unfortunately some of them, the impactful ones, they get buried inside but still affect us. Remember, buried thoughts and memories are still alive and need to be brought to the surface and dealt with much like the ever shifting mirror in your car.
Whenever you experience an emotion or have an emotional response that is out of proportion with an event, ask yourself why. Do some investigation, write things down, and pay attention. Chances are there's a memory or feeling that hasn't been dealt with.
It's possible the event was misinterpreted in your memory for myriad reasons. Generally it was a lack of experience that lead to an erroneous conclusion and a disproportional impact on you at the time it happened.
You did something dumb and got a spanking but something happened to where you stored it as abuse instead of an attempt at imposing consequences to assist you in finding self discipline.
Perhaps you saw an expression on your parent's face you hadn't seen before and mistook it for malevolence (or you were correct, but you still need to face it so you can address it). Adjust your interpretation back to discipline by using what you know now and the experiences you have.
You may be able to properly frame the event so it's worth a shot. Or perhaps your parents stayed out later than you expected and you stored the memory as abandonment. You know better now so readjust the perspective to simply being late, not abandoned.
When I was younger and prior to cell phones being ubiquitous an event took place that was stored in my memories that registered as a trauma. I hadn't realized it was affecting me until around 2021 my wife didn't come home until a bit later than the estimated time.
I can remember panicking more than I would like to admit. I can admit it, as you can see, but it isn’t without embarrassment. Luckily I was finally able to see that the physical and psychological response, or the feeling, was way out of proportion to my wife unintentionally missing the estimated return home while hanging out with her friends.
Upon reflection one memory from that pre-cell era kept coming back to me. I was and still am unable to remember my age at this time but I do remember it was close to Easter.
My mother used to act in the church's Easter play and she had a rehearsal. For previous rehearsals she would estimate her return home fairly accurately but not this night, or so my memory goes.
The biggest or most impactful part of that memory was the feeling I had between the estimated time of her arrival and her actual arrival. There was panic, anger, and uncertainty. Ultimately it was a feeling of abandonment.
Looking back I know she's still around and would never abandon me or my siblings, but during that small window of time that single night I wasn't sure. Apparently that stayed with me, patiently waiting, buried under other memories, affecting me in subtle ways.
Since then and since reframing that event in a more appropriate and accurate way I am far more comfortable in similar situations. I checked my rearview, noticed a shift in perspective, and adjusted.
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